holes holes and more holes

I love philosophy but questioning the things that we base our lives on scares me whilst exciting me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no friends to hang out with, outside of school. I lost the few I had. I spend my days on the computer looking for things to put my mind to. I eagerly search for films and music that somehow relates to my endless negative feelings in order to find some connection with another person, even though I have never met them and they are oblivious of my existence. I saw my psychologist for the first time a week ago and she said that i won’t be able to keep doing this forever. One day, i’m going to run out of music and films that I relate to. Then I will really hit rock bottom. I seem to be drifting between slight highs and very deep lows. As soon as I think I am happy, I realise that I am tricking myself because I don’t see anything to be happy about. “be happy that you’re alive, you have a house, and food.”. I’m sick of hearing that. Sure, I have those essentials, but if you are used to them, and see them as completely ordinary (for yourself), how can they make you happy, or excite you? I can’t move schools without massive effort because it is my second final year of school (nearing the end of the year as well). I’m not looking for advice, because frankly, there can be none. I am stuck. I have been told I am stuck by others, back when I thought someone could shed some light on my situation. I love my sad music and films but it’s not making me feel any better. It’s like a hit, while you are watching/listening to them, and afterwards, coming back down into my absent search for meaning through media. sad people make me happy, happy people make me angry and sad. I don’t know if I really hate myself to the point that i can’t even distinguish the feeling anymore.

Anyway, this has gone for too long. I’m just sick of this shit.