If Anyone Cares.

my parents divorced when i was an infant. and i can still remember the boyfriends my mom had to follow. always fighting. we’ve moved so many times. mostly because of them. cause i definitely wasn’t getting into trouble until i was aged 13. always had to make new friends. just to leave. and the process has happened so many times that i feel it has fucked up my current relationships with people. sometimes when i was in middle school, my aunt was murdered. in a small town where everyone knows each other. sad right? the person that killed her was only kind enough to leave my baby cousin still breathing in his crib. i read the reports and whatnot from it. mostly out of curiosity. fights continued with my mom and her boyfriend. he had anger problems as well as drinking problems. that’s probably where i got the violent habits. my mother suffered from a stroke sometime after that. she forgot about me and my sister for a while. it changed her in the way things like that change people. i think it was for the better though. i started to do drugs at that age. to cope with everything that has happened up to that point. it was actually too much for me to handle. i started not to care. one night i was out on a walk to the town cemetary because i was crying and upset. a friend was walking his 2 dogs. told me it’d be okay and asked if i wanted to hang out with him and smoke. that night. i got raped. and from then on, i have always wanted to kill myself. and i’ve always thought, funny, i’m just a piece of fucking meat. i never told anyone. (at least not til about 3 or 4 years later). guess what? it happened again. and do you wanna know what people tell me? it’s my fault. because i put myself in situations like that. i don’t sit there and think, hey, this guy seems like the raping type. i’ll stay away from him. THE FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS? no. all i’ve ever wanted was to be loved man. that’s all. guess what? sometime after that too, my mom’s boyfriend was touching me inappropriately. and i told her. what did she say except he doesn’t know how to act around kids. i was 13 and he can let me do my own thing. i was getting into more trouble at home and at school after i got a little bit older. i started stealing. i moved one last final time to the middle of nowhere because my mother got engaged to her highschool sweetheart. wanna know what he did? he felt me up too. told my mom and she asked if i slept with him like it was my fault. seriously? disgusting. continued to do drugs for a while to escape my pain. and it’s worked for almost about 4-5 years. i’m a fucking survivor. i’ve tried to kill myself a few times. unsuccessfully. and that makes me feel worse. and i want to do it now more than ever. because i found one good thing in my life. and i fucked that up. my life has sucked. and i’m sure it will continue to. i’m only 17.