It comes around again.

August 31st, 2011by Noodle12

I was happy this morning. Now I’m just confused again. School in general was alright albeit shitty teachers and shitty organization for the first day (especially with the bus, I was 2 hours late this afternoon coming home; thank god I don’t have a job.). The girl I liked wasn’t there though.

That being said, I met up with my ex again today because for some reason we’re still close friends. She gave me a shirt for my birthday she got on vacation, and we hugged alot and talked about the concert on sunday.

This is the part that kills me now: I think I love her again. It could be just me being stupid or something, but I’m sort of overwhelmed with nostalgia and being around people again. The weirdest thing happened today though, see it was overcast and there was a 6 kph breeze, so it was about only 11 C today. It was cool enough to remind me of winter. And winter reminds me of her.

More so, it reminds me of when we had something good going together, everything happened during the winter, when it was cold. Now whenever it’s cold and dark outside I get reminded of her and all the old things again. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I was happy. But the only thing that that means is that I’m either insane or still in love. Maybe a little bit of both. I hate it. I hate myself for falling in love too easily. If I keep at it the whole thing will end up being a deja vu of last year, I’ll fucking hurt myself again. I don’t know if I should follow my heart and try and start again, or if that’s too risky. I don’t know if I can trust her. I’m bloody scared out of my mind again.

I can’t help myself but to obsess over it (honestly, I think I might have a minor case of OCD). I’m going to just fuck myself over with this but what the hell can I do..? Ignore it? That would be boring.

I’ve always told myself, follow your heart and your gut, it’s always right. Now every bit of logic in my head is telling me to not go through with this, but my gut feels fine about it. I guess all I can do is pray that this time things won’t fuck up (..so badly), and that she’ll change her mind and believe in second chances.

 

I’m not a religious man, but I’d like someone who knows what they’re doing to pray I’m okay..

 

 

 

 

(For the record, if you’re reading this, Maria, the ex i’m taking about is Briana. She posted on my fb wall recently.)

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