To me it seems as though God has chosen certain people to live out their lives in happiness. These people have an abundance of friends, these people are almost always happy, smiling, laughing. There are more of these people in the world than people like us, the depressed ones. The happy people are everywhere. I am not one of these people, i think i could say that none of us on this site are those people but, I dont know anybody here personally, so im not sure. People keep telling me that God has a plan for everyone, and everything happens for a reason. […]
August 2011
I was hoping so bad, so so bad, that a new girl would show up at school. Â I wanted one to show up so bad, so I wouldn’t be lonely any more. Â But it didn’t happen. Â It Didn’t Happen.
I decided to do a PhD. My result is due in 3 days. I ahve already viva’d and been given major corrections, so this is the final chance for me. The entire process is not like people imagine – you don’t sit in a sunny drawing room with a brandy snifter philosophising about ‘stuff’ and then just get given a doctorate – you work so hard that sometimes it goes on all night. You hate yourself for being too stupid, for not grasping the points, for screwing up again and again. I look in the mirror and I tell myself I am stupid, because I […]
My boyfriend’s ex died yesterday, she was riding a bike and got run over by a drunk driver, she was taken to hospital, and was on a ventalator for 4 hours, but she didn’t make it. She was 19.
I see him hurt, i see him so devastated and ruined. All i want is to take his pain and suffering away, i wish it had happened to me, because i know how to deal with death. When my mother died, so did a part of me. When my sister died, so did another part of me. I never wished that pain on anyone, and now it’s happened.
Im […]
The economy wins . . I can’t find a job and oh how I’ve tried. I keep the reject letters in a shoebox and looking at them every day reminds me of what a loser I am. My teeth are in really bad shape and it’s so dehumanizing at the end of a job interview when I forget not to smile too big the interview notices and pulls their hand away and gasps. I looked into the local dental school and I can’t even afford that. My friends have noticed my withdrawn behavior and bailed on me, so I guess they’re not really friends. […]
Some say that chemtrails could be a reason for depression and behavioural issues, some even say that they are responsible for cancer. Apparently the celebrity Prince often talks about this. I was only told about this today.
I know I’ve not been normal my whole life.
It’s horrible feeling so empty.
I don’t know why I feel this way but I really dislike myself. I end up in a negative cycle, not caring about myself and therefore hurting others through my actions and behaviour.
I’m selfish.
I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, nothing seems to make me happy.
I just don’t have the energy any more there seems to be no point.
I recently hurt 2 men after being in (unhealthy) relationships. I hurt the ones that love me the most including my family.
My family talk about me […]
Is it?
I think I need someone. I really want to kill myself. I think something’s wrong with me. I’m only 17 years old. I draw, paint and write. Those are the only things I do really well in at school, I get almost 100% always for what I write/paint/draw. Those are the only things I love in life. But I’ve been under this phase for months. I thought it was just something that would pass. I don’t know how to get rid of it.
I don’t know how to break out to people I know that I like to cut myself. I like to knife myself. […]
Today I feel like choking out. Do you know why? I started remembering intense feelings for my cousin Yasmine and I need to choke to suppress the thoughts. Maybe I’m looking for love, but it doesn’t help that I’m lonesome, close to insane (or so I think I am), and crazy for my cousin (blood of course it wouldn’t be weird with step cousins)… I am Facebook stalking her, staring at pictures and saving the pics onto my iPhone. At least I’m not thinking sexually or anything anymore… Fuck I hate myself so much. Should just die. Hope choking out will kill me or something. […]
i used to know everything.
then i grew up…
and now, i know nothing.
i used to succeed
then they told me i couldnt…
and now, Im a failure.
i used to feel loved
then i left…
and now, Im a lone
take me back. take me all the way back and let me do it over…
I tried. I gave it everything I had. But it just wasn’t enough. I have been on the up& down financial scale since I was 5. Since then I have lived in over 13 different residences, and have been evicted from each. You would think that it would get easier. It doesn’t. It hurts anew, and digs new wounds every time. Over and over and over again.
Well I suppose that is one thing I am not going to miss. You see after losing my job, benefits gone, savings gone, (along with dignity and self-respect of course) this is my last eviction. I have no resources […]
Does anyone else feel like all this shit just isn’t worth it? We are born and then we die and all that shit in between is pointless. People have been pushing me to do better and I still don’t see the point of trying. After my mother died in May I was so sure of myself and so confident and I wanted to do something with my life but now I just don’t know anymore. I am slipping back into the same old hole I was in previously. Drowning myself in my self hatred and depression. They tell me I should want to live on my […]
What you do to me..
(Directed at the human race)
It’s nothing good, if that’s what you think
All you do is hurt me and I can’t take any more. I’m numb to your actions.
I’m already trying to lose weight to look good for you.
I’m already cutting my skin to feel some sort of emotion.
It’s hard to stare you in the eyes. It’s hard to ask for your help.
I can’t reach up to you.. I can’t let you hoist me up. I can’t be that pathetic, can I?
I’m trying to fit in with you. I’m trying to find reasons to smile […]
I’m still suicidal.
things feel worse, but they could be the same, who knows.
I’ve attempted suicide twice in the past two weeks post failed.
I have my way I’m gonna do it, if I do.
I started going to therapy, and upping dosage on my medicine.
it’s helped, but there some feelings I can’t shake off.
my eating disorder is eating me alive. -What eating disorder?
I can’t stop cutting-I’m recovering from cutting.
I’m fat ugly and stupid-I’m trying to learn to like myself.
I might lurk here every so often, but I don’t know how much I’m gonna be on here. Maybe if I like it I’ll come back. If I’m serious […]
I used to come here. Everyday. All day. I think I’m better than before. The depression still lingers in my head. But oh well. I figured it out. I don’t wanna die so much as I just wanna be saved and forget this awful place. My scars still remain. I mean they’ll always be there. But that just means I’ll have a story. I plan on getting them covered with tattoos. Instead of pain for depression I’ll have pain for art. I don’t know why I came back here. I guess it’s cause I’m feeling so lonely tonight. So bad that I just wanna pick […]
Right now i wana die , i wanna go to heaven with my grandma sheS waitin fr me der i know it i just know it
I think you should all know heaven is NOT what you think it is, its not clouds and its not aangels, heaven is infact a restaurant.
I have booked a table for two, one for me and one for my grandma, shel be sooo happy to se me i reckon, ill make sure im there atleast ten minuits before her and ill order her favorite, Tea no milk 2 sugars and a cheese scon, shel love me forever and […]
Do you have this feeling where you have to hold everything inside yourself? That you have to keep everything that is uneeded to say with you in your silence. Feeling trap with everything slumping over you shoulders. I dont want to walk with this weight carrying me down. Do i must scream to the world whats weighing me down. Or should i write it down and show my mom how i really feel? Do i feel safe here? who knows i guess not. All day i wanted my pen. I lost my pen. I cant find my pen. I really need my pen. Have i […]
I hate my mom.. So fucking much.
I wanna die.. Not just because of my mom.. But just my fucking life in general.
All the fucked up shit.
I cannot wait till I am fucking gone.
Slowly…
i had to crawl.
My weak arms
the sounding of alarms.
The hot ground
burning my hands.
I can feel the fan
as i reach for it.
The blisters
are like horrible sores.
I can see the people
stare me down.
I can see…
no hands reaching for me.
The sounds of whispering
the sounds of the alarms.
They are loud
against my fragile ears.
I cant crawl faster
i can feel the blood
dripping from my knees.
All i want…
is to stand again.
To see
a helping hand
call out to me.
But all i see…
is the emptiness
of being alone […]
I’m sobbing as I write this.
My fiance got arrested because his lawyers never took care of his traffic tickets. Every time he called they said he was fine. He kept rushing me to grab the money we had and bail him out. I’m 17, I can’t drive, i’m neurotic, and have severe depression, haven’t been taking my meds, he’s afraid of jail/cop severely, I’ve been suicidal all week…
I call every adult I know to see if they can take me, my brother Mason telling me angrily to calm down as he’s “helping” me too slow. I couldn’t go slow. I Could NOT.
I’m talking to my dad […]