“that which does not kill you is called torture”

I tried. I gave it everything I had. But it just wasn’t enough. I have been on the up& down financial scale since I was 5. Since then I have lived in over 13 different residences, and have been evicted from each. You would think that it would get easier. It doesn’t. It hurts anew, and digs new wounds every time. Over and over and over again.

Well I suppose that is one thing I am not going to miss. You see after losing my job, benefits gone, savings gone, (along with dignity and self-respect of course) this is my last eviction. I have no resources left. In a few days I will lose everything I have ever owned (as well as my furfamily who are too old to be adopted out). I see no reason to witness this. I have no “lifelines” to see my through to something better. So in a few days I will find the method that works for me, and end it.

The world will keep spinning (unless it ends soon, in which case i will be sorry to have missed it), new tv shows and movies will come out, the upcoming holiday season will come and go, and I will not be around to see it.

Sometimes I believe I have to go thru this so other people can be happy. I know it sounds silly, right? But I have never known a day without fear. Not one. Do you have any idea what it is like to be afraid ALL the time? If you do, I feel for you, if you don’t there is no way for you to understand. And yet..I see happy people all the time. People whose lives are free…they can shop/dine/be without fear. The have family and choices…..they do not cower when the doorbell/phone rings…they do not lie awake nights wondering how many are left. They are truly happy…although I realize they may not realize it.

Well I guess that is it. The person that is me who loves ice cream, sci-fi books, horror movies, cats, knitting, crocheting and always dreamed of her own home and family will not be here much longer. I wish I could say it has been fun …but “that which does not kill you is called torture”