Waiting

August 31st, 2011by julisa81

I’ve been suffering from depression since I was about 12. I never told anyone about it, I don’t think I even understood it until last year, when I first mentioned it to my family. I’m now 24. I’m tired of it.

I never imagined that I could spend half of my life depressed but I am beginning to accept the trap and my fate, I keep thinking I am being punished. My family think that I am making it up and doing it to myself and they constantly tell me to ‘cheer-up’. Very few of my friends and family know about it.

And no matter how hard I try to explain it, none of them understand the extent of it. My best memories in life are the few times when it seems to just go away, usually for a one/two month period. Each time it leaves I think it’s gone for good but it always comes back again.

I’m not on any medication because my religeon/family/culture are very much against it.

My family and friends seem to think that I should just forget about it and go out to party and have fun like most people my age.

I don’t have any hope inside of me that it’s going to leave me, each time I fall for that trick, I get disappointed.

I definitely do not want to go to a party and pretend everything is okay and watch other people live and feel life whilst I feel that I am dying inside.

Last year, I asked my religious leaders for counselling, I told them things that I knew my family could not bear to know. I also told them about the depression, how I battled with suicidal thoughts and that I constantly lived in fear, I felt dead inside, felt frustrated and trapped, couldn’t concentrate on my studies, couldn’t sleep, had a totally messed up body clock, had no appetite, was scared to leave my house, was scared of crowded places, couldn’t look people in the eye, had no strength or motivation, always felt anxious and fearful, couldn’t stop crying, cried myself to sleep every night and felt even worse each time I woke up to realise that I was still alive. The religious leaders couldn’t care less, they gave me no counselling, just sold me a book on loving-yourself, knowing fully well that I was in no state of mind to read a book. That really changed my view on religion.

Now I have very little faith in a god or that I will ever be cured of these feelings. I feel like I’m cursed or possessed cos nothing in my life is going well. I don’t trust anyone and everyone I meet seems to dislike me. I’ve had four different jobs in the past year, My last boss bullied and harassed me and after I made a complaint, he decided to sack me. Now I’m scared of going through the same thing at a new job. I feel like a total failure. My friends and family are moving ahead with their careers and dreams and I can’t seem to do the same. I can’t even go back to my religion or my friends, I don’t think there’s room for people with such negative energy. No one understands, not my family, not my friends, even I don’t understand it. I don’t even want to be around anyone in case I pass this disease on. I feel dead inside.

I want to commit suicide but I haven’t yet because I’m so scared of what lies beyond. Will I be further punished for choosing to end my own life? I have so many people that would be angry at me for doing it. Yet, these same people can never understand how I feel inside, they would be even more angry with me for going on medication. I want to try counselling again but now I have no job, no money. I don’t have the courage to look for another job and be rejected again. I feel so hopeless. Plus I doubt I could even get my act together well enough to get out of bed and attend counselling sessions. I’ve considered committing suicide in another country. Telling my family that I need to go on a short break abroad where no one will find me and then when no one is around, just do the deed. I’ve planned this a few times, just not sure if I’ll have the courage to do it. I feel trapped. I already feel dead inside. Now I’m just waiting for death. My motivation for living is the knowledge that one day I will die.

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