01-03-11 Is what got me back to my Suicidal thoughts…….

  September 19th, 2011 by IDC If U Miss Me

Everyone thinks that when you contemplate suicide its something that just sparked inside or maybe even short fused in your head for a split second and it was the first time, the moment will fade and the time will pass and all will be pink colored roses right? WRONG.  The first time I contemplated suicide I was 12, family life at home was not the greatest.  I was the oldest but the black sheep of the family so getting the short end of the stick and being shunned by my mother and step father was done on a regular basis.  Who could blame her though.  I found out at 22 that I was a product child of rape so I said “Oh no Wonder, I got all the beatings and I hate you and where you came from looks.  Makes sense now”.  My biological father was no where to be found since his life was taken from him [murdered] when I was the age of 17.  No one to curse or yell at besides a marble wall to a mausoleum in Los Angeles which in my opinion isn’t even worth the car ride……….

Fast forward to 22yrs of age and her I am experiencing my first panic attacks and bouts of depression.   I was engaged at the time so I felt that if I secretly slipped away from the world that everyone and everything would be so much better.  So I went into the bathroom, locked the door and started reading the bottle of sleeping pills to see how many was exactly “too many” sleeping pills to take.  As I’m examining the bottle, my Ex bursts into the restroom 1. as if he knew what I was doing and 2. as if I hadn’t locked the door.  Weird right!  So needless to say I was checked into a crisis house and showed good progress after 3 days.  Then I found out my mother was raped by my biological father and spiraled into an even deeper depression.  I wasn’t released until 3weeks had passed.  Diagnosed depression with anxiety.  All was not well but it got better.  I was on Zoloft for 3years on then took 3 years off.  Was still doing ok aside from the first 6months of quitting my meds cold turkey.

Fast forward to me being 25 and taking the mature decision to go back to school and start making something of myself.  I take up Criminal Justice and learned how to do Phlebotomy [drawing of blood even though I hate blood and needles I passed!] along with how to process income taxes.  At 27 things started getting fuzzy.  I developed a drug habit, drinking habit and a gambling habit all while working part time and balancing a social life with school.  Something was bound to suffer right?  Well it was me.  The drugs and the gambling played with my head to make me think if I committed a crime that I would be able to get away with it.  Not that I was trying to.  I was trying to just cover it up.  Didn’t happen that way.  I got myself into more trouble and I had 500 to replace before my place of business opened and they noticed the money was missing.  So some how I got the funds I needed.  And what did I do?

Went to go gamble it again.  So I went to my previous place of employment and cutting out the who and how of the sorted details committed 3 Felony counts of a white collar crime and fled the state.  This is where I got diagnosed as being Bipolar with Anxiety and insomnia.  I immediately went onto medication since I know in the past, pills know best, and it helped.  I kept a low profile for 9mths.  I came back for a visit and my relative I was staying with [who has no idea of the situation] says “You need to stay where you are at until you can come get your belongings”.  Well the state that I’m currently at is looking for me so UH that’s not an option.  And to make matters worse I got a letter stating my arraignment date is scheduled for 10/11/11. If I fail to appear a warrant will be issued.  So I either need to return to the other state and let the stature of limitations run out, show up on that date, or come full circle and do whats been on my mind to do all along; Commit Suicide.

Here are things I did not discuss.  I personally know 2 friends that left one west coast state for the other, and as long as they haven’t returned they have been able to co-exist just fine in the neighboring state.  The only hang up there is I have no where and no one to stay with.  As attending my arraignment, I’m not sure if I will have another court date set or if they will take me into custody right then and there and hold me until a trial is scheduled which can sometimes take up to a year……………  So I’m trying to be hopeful, trying to talk to people about it, and they are brushing me off, not taking me seriously or just plain out right getting angry at me.  But none of them are offering me solutions.  There’s a friend in my exact situation that’s been free 8years and has an extra bedroom to spare for me but doesn’t want to because he’s “used to living alone” what kind of response is that to someone that says if I cant say here I’m going to kill myself.  His response?  “No you wont.  You wont do it”.  I wish people could understand suicide isn’t about being weak, its about feeling hopeless.  If there were more friends out there to offer more than just a PRAYER then maybe some lives would be saved.


I was going to wait for my arraignment date to show up before I made any decisions but when my last friend made yet another stupid remark, so I said forget it why prolong the inevitable right?  So fuck it, this week is the week.  I’m so done.  The only thing I’m glad I did just now was vent. *SIGH* Thanks for reading


p.s. I’m not scared of jail I’m scared of what minimal of a normal functioning life ill have after jail.  This was my first offense and it is not in my character to do so, it was just a crime of passion that I wish had never sent me back into the full swing of not only a new mental illness but my old buddy old pal Suzie Sleeping Pills.  Ha, I actually tried last week, but read up online that I did not have enough in my possession to make the dose lethal.  That is how I was able to write this to you today.  Because I just didn’t have enough of those Suzie Sleeping Pills…………

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