2 weeks worth of journals just for you.

  September 26th, 2011 by RogueShadow1281


So many thoughts… 

Filling my brain. 

The dream about my dogs and snapping a dogs neck. 
The thoughts of the videos I watched.
 The woman dying in the bathtub, drowning while tied up. The video game that may have caused noises in the night, nightmares, paranoia, and other paranormal mishaps. I blame my mother for that nonsense, but whatever.
I read Maximum Ride today, the whole book of Angel which is only 300 pages, about 82 small chapters. I couldnt stop reading. In under 2 hours all of that, the rest of the day was school then I slept. I’m exhausted and sore from sleeping in. I have mixed emotions right now and I may be suppressing my thoughts as to not think about my problems, yet the amazing and traumatizing videos cloud my head. I imagine myself with the cop shooting the man who killed him pointblank in the face and letting him go back to his wife and kids with minor bullet wounds and brusing. I want to take the M1A1 even though it’s evidence of assault, and keep it as a relic and a means of research for it. Modernize it maybe. But I’m a teenager, what could I possibly do with it. Good idea to do is, read up to a certain point and comment on it. Then comment on another section or subject, we hate when you comment on small parts. We love when you comment on as much stuff as possible. Take every sentence into regard other than these sentences. 

Doomsday Group was the group in MR that tried to wipe out the humans while the genetically altered would survive. I want to be like Fang, emotionless, yet showing /slight/ signs of emotion, crooked smile, a mystery, since I always love to stay quiet and use stealth. Nycolle popped up in my head again, and I can’t believe it’s back the thoughts about her and then went away. It’s weak feelings at this moment but it’s there. Yet Rogue is still away. Maybe it’s just that Rogue was a figment of my imagination. I exaggerated a lot about him and accepted the idea that he was my higher being or whatever, that he talked to me, but even I knew (when I was sane or whatever) he wasn’t exactly real no matter how hard I tried to believe…

 Today, school was normal. At home I read game informer then fell asleep and as I woke up I was in front of my brothers room and fainted. My brother witnessed the sound of my body dropping and said he thought I either fell of my bed or closed the door hard, so if I fell after killing myself he would ignore it? Good for thinking, well my head is hurting the most and my knee and feet and back hurt too. I woke up disoriented only remembering him talking to his dad then his confused look. I haven’t been eating very well. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday and yesterday I ate tiny bag of ranch doritos and a can of Gatorade. I could taste blood in my mouth but don’t know why. I’m eating right now, I don’t understand why I don’t eat at all at my stepmoms. I thought I choked out when I fainted. It felt good even though I didnt choke out…

Today it’s 7:36 in the morning. I got home from the drive to my dads place with my dad as an escort. We got home and he gave me $10 lunch money and the sad part is we passed each other in the hallway, and I touched his back, remembering when we hugged goodbye. Things are changing, but I still can’t stifle a cry. Sad, my fault for not letting go our past where he hit me for a haircut. He’s not the worst dad ever, but his abusive behavior for that one month was pretty bad I guess. And he believed in discipline, where he would spanking me when I was younger. Only unjust moments are when I cried when I went to church and after and how I told him I don’t wannna go or the haircut beatings (only 3 harsh beatings), well I guess I still care for my dad but still, our past can’t be taken out especially no matter how much I had choked. Well I’m going to school now… T_T
I’m at school now. I read some posts on SP before my phone died. I started thinking about how people say, “I fuck up everything and deserve to die”. If that’s true then wouldn’t you need to live and suffer rather than die and end the pain? I won’t call you mindless idiots for that one, but then again I even barely realized that. Tell me why we myst live also. As if living wouldn’t be so bad. My minds running on empty, I haven’t eaten a breakfast other than a tiny banana. It’s 9:30 A.M. And at 9:55 I’m going to buy a Gatorade, bagel, or doritos, only two of those though. I hear a guy playing with a girl in the darkness of the auditorium. My stomach makes odd noises and beckons me or food. Do I really purposely starve myself, is it that I just save my money and not care for my well-being? Or is it a means of suicide, I already fainted from malnutrition yet I haven’t visited the doctor for anything yet not even for my vaccinations. I got a bit sick after a while and then it subsided, just like my stomach asking for food. 

I hate public bathrooms, they smell like shit and I have the decency to care about the sounds and smells other people have. I can’t take a crap with someone nearby, when I crap at my house, I need the heater or air conditioner to be on so no one hears me and the smell goes away and to put me at ease. If I hear someone I spend extra time waiting for them to leave and spend half an hour in there. Well that just sucks doesn’t it. Really wish I could show a psychologist or something this. That actually is a phenomenal idea. It allows me to speak freely while not being nervous about it. I purposely write in my notes of my iPhone in order to address everyone my current condition. I want a diagnosis on my depression. Is it really the infamous bipolar depression and all the amazing mental diseases I have. I have the memory of the day I cried when my dad beat me over the haircuts. I will allow this iPhone not to be locked. well, maybe I should tell my dad if I can get another therapist or text friends about my need to suicide and all that depressing crap. Jimmy the retard whom keeps bugging some other guy in our class he keeps making noises. It’s really distracting and pissing me off. I hope I can leave my phone and my dad decides to invade my privacy and check it and do something about it, but he probably won’t anymore. I always seemed to enjoy saying that I want to commit suicide and leave this place just for the lulz, not really but I did it because it made people worry and think of me. 

I always seem to think about sadness and depression, is there a difference? It used to be that sadness is an emotion and depression is a disease or disorder, but now depression is the emotion. “I’m sorry, I’m just DEPRESSED… :(” yet people used to be sad. I wish I was dead, but problem is I’m braindamaged now. It’s not bad as in I’ve gone mentally retarded, I just have the attention span of a fruitfly and can’t seem to feel much emotion so I’m confused. I have brief periods of anger and other emotions, but like right now I’m passive, indifferent, but also depressed a little. I… Dammit lost the thought because the retard Jimmy keeps yawning obnoxiously and making noises and I want to punch him. The kid he’s bugging said someone’s gonna get pissed and do something irrational that might be where I step in. I have 5 minutes until break, so my stomach can shut up. I like food and whatnot but I guess I’m a pennypincher. Now the idea that my friends called me jewboy seems true and maybe I am from Jewish heritage, yet that can also be true that I may be Muslim or European descent other than the Spanish. I do have thick-ish eyebrows so it looks as if I resemble the Muslim or whatever they are called. They certainly aren’t terrorists, no wonder I feel sympathy for their actions. People die, it’s a war they aren’t terrorists, they’re soldiers and martyrs for their cause. Screw you if you don’t agree, tell your brothers, sons, fathers and what not to stop killing “Muslim terrorists” and then tell me to fuck off with my “stupid ideas”. Have you ever talked to a Muslim mother, or a son, or daughter. Do you enjoy the thought of them having to report the news that the person was killed in battle. How about you send them the charred remains of the dead husband, son, or father. They deserve a proper burial. Why not make a peace treaty

It’s now lunch and I have begun my sitting and yeah I wanted to write. I lost a good 5 or 6 ideas. Well, I stared at a few cute girls, face then body as usual. I am fond of short shorts, and yeah. I don’t know what to say now, but I may think of something (caused by brain damage).

 It’s 4:16 and I want to choke. It’s been a month or close to one since I last did it. Maybe it’s the depression talking. If so, then in half an hour to an hour, it will subside. I also want to die. I am trying hard to use correct grammar, punctuation and spelling, but it’s annoying. I can’t start a paragraph with and or but, yet everyone still does… Anyways, my mind wanders, maybe it’s a defense mechanism against boredom. It also allows me to ignore my suicidal thoughts and whatnot. I hate when people cry about not being able to resist something, for example. When someone thinks of suicide, I say just think about something else. I barely thought of it today but I could set up amazing topics, but some are pointless like is there a god, or what is losing your virginity. Mind-blowing ideas in which opinions and experiences differ per individual like the answer. It’s a pointless arguement.

7:51 now. I fell asleep for a while and woke up tired. If someone tells me not to suicide because god gave me life. I will cuss you out, be angry all day, choke myself after a month of progress, cuss you out some more and just say fuck it.  God isn’t real, he’s as real as rogue shadow and I thought I could speak to him but he spoke back. Hes better than a god. Now, if you shove your beliefs down my throughout I will shove my disbelieve up your ass along with angry cuss words. Fuck off with the sermon or whatever. This is a posting site for help and stuff not a religious one. Go to watchtower.org or whatever ur church is. Where’s MrSebastior, haven’t spoken to him in forever. Jamiejajamie is awesome right now with few episodes of depression thanks to a family member and her losing faith in him. Well, I only talked to 4 suicide project members whom I became somewhat close to. I reallized I wrote a whole weeks worth of things so for and the list is huge. Ugh I want to write but am too lazy therefore I have spelling errors again. Depression is back, while in this dark room. Let my friend borrow $2 he’s paying me back $3. When I write, I leave things misspelled as though to have some sorte of significance where it’s an original writing by RogueShadow1281. I’m worried that someone will make a connection and look up my name and find porn sites and especially these posts, but then again the infamy and fame would be boundless and I like that to be thought about.

Ugh, going to shower and I’m feeling shitty. I don’t want to think but I have homework at 9:30 so fuck. My mood is low I want to talk to someone see my cousin, maybe even cry silently like I used to, but I lost the ability to cry. 

A woman screams in the distance what I’m thinking. The voices in my dreams are back. I want to hear them so I can analyze what it is that it shows me. I don’t remember dialogue of any sort only the tone of voice in which it’s hard to explain. The shell-shock sound seems to not come up as… Forget it, I’ve just been ignoring it. I hear it loud and clear now. It has emotion, when it goes continuously it sounds angry and annoyed. Shoot me please and eliminate the *yawn and teary-eyed* beeeeep… It’s 11:20 now and I didn’t do the homework. I really want to have a girlfriend and lie on the couch kissing her on top of me, no sex, just kiss her the whole time. I hope she says yes to going out with me. Hope she’s new to dating so she doesn’t think about how bad I am. I hope at the end or during the date, we kiss at least once. I hope we end up going out more and become one of those couples at the mall. I hope I’m not going to be alone in my room listening to Linken Park Valentines day on valentines day. “Alone on a valentines day, on a valentines day”. Hopefully my dreams and fantasies come true. All that planned out, unless… She says no, all that stuff will be imminent, but also I can have a chance to be completely insanely depressed because she says no to me. That will be my motivation. I love being depressed. “it’s my way of life…” 

10:02 P.M. 
I just realized that when I went to eat a while back I had visions or hallucinations while blacking out. I was walking and my eyesight went black. Moments of insanity. I think I’m having one at the moment. Should I try to stay calm, yet I am actually brain damaged. Is it malnutrition? Why did I hallucinate, I tried to think of something and I saw things, cartoons. Should I worry? Oh god, I’ve felt that my heart beat seemed strong and loud.  I had cold sweats and shit. Why am I feeling like this… Shit, insanity, maybe a shower is all I need. Writing isnt helping. Please someone help me out over here. I’m worried. Too bad I have to publish this first. Fuck, I fucked up my brain. I want to join the marines, I was watching We Were Soldiers, felt goosebumps instead of tears. I can’t cry, well I guess I can be a man in front of my girlfriend. Except Janel hasn’t said yes, I pussied out… Now I have something to write about. To the psychologist. Do I seem insane, do I seem fucked up in the head? I’m sorry I’m saying foul words. I just want to show that I’m worried not scared, my brain is thinking rapidly, hands are typing at a rate of 3 letters per second. Oh, it’s my dad, he asked if I ate. Yet, I’m trying to eat but I see no improvement yet. My eyesight gets bad. I may need to consult a physician or whatever it may be to get consulted. Fuck, my head is acting up. Can someone get Rogue here? I want to speak to him, where has my conscience my inner me, my alter ego gone. Yes I have one or had and now I can’t talk to him. I also desire to choke myself again, I hope I don’t because if it’s brain damage then I’m fucked. Maybe I should ask for a cigarette right now or some time soon. I haven’t been able to stay calm… That’s a lie, just because… Rogue help me… My thoughts are going haywire… Hey, hay… Can I take antidepressants now. Am I really going to… Post this on suicide project??? It’s about the size of Tom Clancy’s books. It’s huge. Please allow me to be forgiven of my sins. Ha that’s bullshit I am not (ain’t) gonna resort to religion any time soon. Ignorance is stupidity… This is just a rant letting my thoughts spill out on paper or digital letter shit… I’m at $42.50 and the thought of Janel looking at Jared and liking him is horrible and wretched. I hope that’s not true. I do like her. I remember being at the park in the car while kids played and she was talking to my mom I left the car and didn’t hear the conversation n looked at her, with her looking back, I so wish she looked thinking I’m cute or something. 🙁

10:26 P.M. 
I’m hoping that I can take a shower so yeah I might begin writing what time it is every single time it changes just to show how much I write but then I pause every once in a while… I’m a take a shower gonna get off my lazy 
10:27 P.M. 
Ass or in this case side cuz I’m laying sideways and get my clothes. I wish I coul write down every experience. I really hope afterwords I can record what happened on my first date, or whatever. 
10:31 P.M. 
I was thinking. On Friday if I don’t ask her out or she says no or we’re going on homecoming then I will go to my moms, if it’s before 7:30 when it gets dark… On saturday I will wait for Moises to come and ask for me. Tell him let’s get that ranger knife and buy it for a measly $11 hopefully a knife doesn’t require being over 18+ but then I could have that knife as a constant reminder of what I’m aiming for and to maybe even have the courage to cut myself. I would like to see someone cut themselves. I want to watch them do it. I am fascinated by that idea. I used to get really nervous whenever I thought, talked of, or saw blood. Now I outlived that. I now have been able to destroy those thoughts… Imagine Dina demanding my iPhone because I’m supposed to sleep right now. I would be saying it’s my journal and then demanding to see my secrets haha. My dad would say stop using it turn off the light and sleep. He’s not as bad as he used to be. I finally have hair and then I’m going to shave it off when I join the marines. I cant look in the mirror and see my reflection and like it unless I at least have long hair. Ugh, I don’t want to sleep, but I really wish we could fast-forward to Friday. I need to get off video games for a while. I want to go for a jog in the mornings, then work up to 3-5 miles in a single workout as to be able to get physically fit to join the Marines. It’s going to be hard work. Maybe get incredibly angry and just disconnect my ps3, a ludicrous idea in which is probably fake. I am impossible to change. I need something to reduce stress or anxiety, my heart is tickling me so idk what that means? I feel a weird feeling like something tickling my neck too, forgot when that happens but I need to stop it. I wrote on Facebook I think there’s something wrong in my head and I don’t feel like talking about it, well texting about it, maybe i really need to speak to someone… Well, I will tell Claudia Luna that I don’t want to talk about it when I really do but too much texting. (why am I going insane?) why??? I at least will have her thinking about me… Which is a stupid thing to do maybe it’s an actual cry for attention?what do I do in case of a panic attack. Thats what’s wrong with me the insanity, at least I’m not crying about it like last time or 2… Stay calm stay calm stay calm breathe stay calm stay calm breath stay clam breathe calm bretahe clam breathe clam calm calm calm calm calm clam breathe
Jamie helped my by telling me to breath relax drink water I began drinking and splashing water at the sink then slapping a wet hand on myself but then it subsided n I got some tea combed my hair removed my shirt n she hasn’t replied. I’m still not better, my depression is here along with other things
I had finally gotten sleep. I really was bad that time but I did have fun slapping cold water across my face, and all that shit. Is there something wrong with me other than the stuff in my post. 

Here is just much of the stuff I had wrote about. Listening to Alex Jones, feeling better for now, at 1A.M., should go to sleep, school tomorrow, wondering if I should post all of this… 

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