Bridges I have burned.

I just realized that it’s almost been a year since all the things happened with Briana, with me being interested in her, to us actually having a “thing”, then when she kicked my heart in the ass and dated my best friend.

That started happening around late november if I remember correctly. I’m just not going to get into it. The worst part is I’m going to be remembering all of this shit starting now and it’s going to be a horrible winter because I’ll revisit everything bad that happened only a year before. It’s felt like a bloody lifetime getting here but  at the same time it feels like October 31st, 2010 was yesterday. I don’t know why but last halloween was what I remembered the most, she went to a Stars concert with her friend that evening and I texted her the whole time. She didn’t talk to me much but that was just AFTER the climax in our relationship and also when I was starting to get worried I’d lose her. I spent the evening downstairs while my parents took care of the trick-or-treaters, playing the Xbox (though I forget exactly what I was doing that evening…)

Whoops, I guess I did get into it. Fuck.

Regardless, the month of October was bloody magical for me. Because I live in a different town than the one I go to school in and meet my friends, we never physically hung out much, but we texted alot. And I remember “cuddling” her via text alot, it was the furthest I’ve ever gone with a girl outside of the internet. It seems pathetic but it felt great at the time… I was genuinely happy. Though, deep inside, I was terrified of losing her. I come back to the point I stated earlier today, I really fall in love too easily and when anything fucks up in a relationship, I explode inside. The present is no exception.

I’m not really doing anything to get anywhere with her again, it’s just that inside I love her and I want her so bad, but my mind tells my body to not go down that road again and I end up tied to my seat, in effect.

I screwed up with another girl like that before in a way, I really loved her but I was unsure what to do so I just sort of stood by and waited. Once, we were talking in drama class (oh, the irony) the day her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her for stupid reasons. She’d always had this thing for dating guys in grades higher than her, and they usually left her behind. So while we were talking she told me specifically, “I’d date any guy my age if they said they liked me.”

For some reason I held my thoughts inside. I don’t know if it was fear of fucking up or that I was uncertain, but I lost the chance right there. We’re still friends, but she got a boyfriend more or less the day I was going to tell her how I felt. Sounds too tragic to be real, but it happened.

So hence I believe, no- I will screw up with Briana in some way or another if I try again. It’s been a week of school, I haven’t seen anyone else I’d like to date yet. I’m losing hope faster than the whiskey in a drunkard’s bottle. God damn it.

I think I’ll try turning this around by trying to just forget about relationships entirely. I’ve tried it before, sometimes it works. But I can’t really see myself doing that at this point. Everyone I know has a girlfriend/boyfriend. Either the world is trying to test my endurance or I’m just born to be fucked over. Regardless I guess I should do something..

I’ve always been the odd one out. Am I ready to accept that or make a stand against it? I hope you can understand why I don’t want to do what everyone tells me.