Hi….
I’ve been solemnly reading all the stories posted here for about a year… I’ve identified with some, wanted to reach out to others, but always felt a disconnect with your community. In fact I’ve always felt a disconnect with every part of society.
So now I’m here, I don’t really know why…. I guess I needed an outlet to connect with people who might even barely comprehend what I live through.
To start, I was never abused as a child, my parents are very loving, and my family is one of the wealthier families in my area. But even though everything seems to be played out perfectly for me, all I want to do is die. I can even remember having thoughts of suicide during the third grade.
Now I’d like to say I don’t want anyone’s pity. Nor do I want to say that my life is horrible. There are people out there, and on this site who deserve my life more than I ever will. And I wish I could give them all the money and materialism.
That said, the knowledge that I shouldn’t be suicidal is what rips at me the most. I KNOW that there’s something in my mind that wants me to end it and always has. All I could ever ask for is a reason why I’m like this…
Of course it gets worse at times. And often during break-ups (which often happen cause of my suicidal thoughts, for example; One of my ex’s once almost got killed taking me out of the road while I tried to get run over).
Recently though, it’s become worse than ever… Even though this one of my good periods. This semester just started, and my only real friends I trusted all left for specialized programs. Leaving me with all the people I can’t stand. Mainly the clingy girls who just want to fit in but don’t with me…. These are the worst cause I can’t manage to tell them that they don’t fit in with me.
This isn’t all bad though, cause the girl I love madly (the car incident, we’ll call her L) and can’t bear to look at left too. I can’t bear being around her cause we both still have feelings for eachother, but can never be together.
What makes my situation worse though is that E, a girl I’m starting to fall for, also left and got a boyfriend. Even though she sometimes has suicidal thoughts too, she doesn’t understand me at all… And that’s what finally brought me here…
I’ll end with my plans…. for ending it that is….
My plan for the last two years had been to join the Marines and go find something to fight for, and die for. But now, the thoughts have got so bad that I’m not sure if I can hold out another two years… So time will tell…
I’d just like to say that when I say the thoughts, I don’t have any mental conditions… I just think about and debate things in my mind constantly….
Thanks for taking the time to read this… It means a lot…
22 comments
How do you know you don’t have a mental condition? Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist? Many schizophrenics and bipolars are extremely intelligent and VERY creative. In fact, show biz has many bipolars.
Yeah, friends forced me to go get checked out…
Kilgore…..like Kilgore Trout from Kurt Vonnegut? Nice
Actually Bill Kilgore, from Apocalypse Now
Oh, OK.
Try another psychiatrist. It is not normal for a third grader from a loving home who is well taken care of to think of suicide (unless there was excessive bullying). Were you honest with the evaluator? Any psychiatrist who doesn’t give anti-depressants to a suicidal person should have his/her license taken away. Something is wrong with this picture…
My life sucked ass. i didn’t have anything, no family, friends, life, not a damn thing. then i joined the Marine Corps. I have everything i could ever ask for. appreciation from my family (all but one), real friends that actually like me, no fears of anything, high self esteem and self confidence. The Marine Corps changed my life for the better and I’ve personally seen it change alot of other like you and me. I’m a complete badass. And i believe if you have the heart you can too. If you wanna learn more bro email me
timcra24@yahoo.com
The psychiatrist was trying to see if there was anything wrong with me because I’m always pushin my friends away and shit… but at the time I visit her i wasnt really thinking about it and I was sorta happy, so I didn’t bring it up. I thought it was over
That sounds like bipolar…I know, I am one. Please give it a shot.
Meds could fix you up good as new.
My psychiatrist was very.. unprofessional. I saw my first one a couple weeks ago. I told him of my cutting and my current legal problem. I should him the cuts that run all over my legs (deep that everyone will scar since I never got stiches) and he just raised his arms in the air and said loudly “Good God!” and rolled his eyes. He then asked if this was all being done for my legal case… Like if this was a way for my laywer to ask for more time.
He then said most people will not want me as their patiant because people like me “Will call every hour of the night needing help and threating to kill themselves”….
I was just… I could not believe the things he was telling me.
It didn’t make me feel better at all.
Showed him***
I had a counselor back in the day who taught me how to make crack. I liked her.
That guy should be reported. There are some psychiatrists who are close to sadist out there, but there are some really good, good ones. Actually, I’ve had better nurse practitioners. Not to be sexist, but the females are much better.
Cindy Richards in New Iberia, LA was a godsend for me. She is a nurse practitioner in a community health clinic. She really wants to help people. Unfortunely, I moved from LA, to a big city, and I don’t get that one-on-one like I had with her. She really wanted to help people…but there are others like her.
Yeah frenzy… He should be.
My GP gave me anti depressants when I went to him a week or so before the shrink.
The shrink doesn’t even think I need those…. He says I just need better coping methods.
I am not going back to him again.
Ask you GP for a referral.
It is not a crime to psychiatrist shop. In fact, I recommend it.
We all have our personal preferences. I personally like the red headed on aisle three
Tim – Carpet match the drapes?
And Frenzy I think thats the place my GP said… Either that or he sent me to the ER.. and the ER sent me a referral to this place.
After a week my mind goes… blank. I cannot remember much after a week goes by. I do not know why. I can remember emotions but actual events are harder. Some stay, some go.
Hellz nah i got brown hair
That is another sign of bipolar. Try going online and looking at reviews. That might help.
Well it doesnt help I was abusing the xanax they gave me <3
But… It started before that. Around last november I started doing xanax really hardcore and ever since (even after like 5 or so months without using it) I still have a hardtime remembering things. That isnt a normal side effect of xanax. That is suppose to only hurt your memory while on it…
Coincidence maybe?