Down in Flames

September 6th, 2011by zerosum

I’ve felt this way before. A raw ache in the pit of my stomach. A crushing need to rip myself open and destroy what’s inside. I want to burn until even the ashes are gone. The pain is so urgent. The need to end it is so great. I try to ignore it. Push it away. Bury it. Pretend it’s all okay. Be the person I’m supposed to be.

Get up, take a shower, get dressed, go to work. Do my job with a smile. Be friendly. Be outgoing.

(But never let anyone get too close. Don’t let them see the pain. Don’t let them see the scars.)

Keep it together. It’s not okay to cry. Suck it up. Get over it.

Spend the evenings alone. Stay distracted. Movies, games, internet. Anything. Push away the thoughts. Push away the urge to just do it. Forget about the rope. Forget about the pills. Leave the razors alone.

Try to forget.

Try to distract.

Try to find a reason.

Give up. Tie a noose. Anchor it securely. Put it around my neck. I only have to step down. It will be over quick. It will only hurt for a moment.

Just step down.

Can’t do it. Get pissed. Rip the rope down. Curse. Throw things. Punch a hole in the wall.

Coward. Fucking coward.

Collapse in sobs. Curl into a ball on the floor. Hate myself. Hate myself. Hate myself.

Hurt myself. Tear my arms open. Blood stains on the floor.

Take my pain away. Just make me numb.

Take my life away.

Meaningless. Useless. Worthless.

Burn it down.

Ashes in the wind.


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