  i’m 15 – 16 in 5 months – and last year i started getting kind of deppressed, i didn’t care about anything, including myself, so i began to cut. i knew if i cut my wrists my mom would see and i’m a swimmer so most of my body would be exposed. so i began to cut up my stomach. i carved DIE into it, i put X’s on it, i had sliced up alot of my stomach. i knew if anyone in my family saw they’d get mad. so i started to resist the urge. then that lead to me putting a plastic bag over my head. at first nothing happened then the air started to get warm and then bag didn’t expand so much when i took a breath. i was glad. it was working. my vision started going grey then black and my head was spinning. it was hard to breath. my heart was hammering in my chest. then i tore the bag off my head and gasped in a big breath and the cool air hit my face. that’s when i realized that i didn’t want to die. that was the first time i truley felt something other than numb for almost 6 months.
 after that i was good for quite a while. almost the whole summer. but then i started feeling nothing, it may have been depression it may have been because i started taking pills for every little ache and pain. then my mom took the advil away. so when i went to my dad’s house i poured half the bottle of pills into a sock. when i got back to my mum’s i put my cherry red pills into a plastic bag, back into the sock, and hid it in my messy room. i kept collecting the pills from my dad’s house until i had 120 of them filling my sock.
  i started grade 10 four days after that. not that i don’t think about taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills followed with 120 pills of advil – because i do – it’s just i don’t think i need to anymore. but sometimes i do find myself envying the dead. which i think is okay.
  everyone will enjoy the peace of death i just want to enjoy the ups and downs of life. particularily music. listening to a good song can change my mind from suicidal to okay in about two minutes. like right now i’m listening to the song The Freshmen by The Verve Pipe. all i want right now is to be a freshmen in college, fall in love with something – or someone – fantastic, and get the hell out of highschool.
5 comments
You will go on to do amazing things. Just getting through high school is one of them. Everyone who gets through high school should get medal. Keep listening to music, go to college, fall in love… high school is just an obstacle in the way of all that. Roll on, soldier.
thanks alot. i’m hoping i can make it through the semester without getting to… i guess the word would be Dark. that happened last year. i’m not sure why, but i care to much about what other people say and think. i let them put me into the dark place. i’ve finally managed my way out and i’m a little afraid they’re going to send me back there. but i’m hoping for the best.
Most people with depression are very sensitive. That is also why we have more insight. It’s a double edged knife. When people say bad stuff, try to take a step back and remember usually people are not very good at communicating what they really think… so it comes off sounding worse than it is.
Or, maybe they are just dicks. In which case, you should just avoid them…
And if you find yourself in the dark place, just remember that there is sunshine, outside, you’ve been there before and you can get there again.
sometimes i think it’s more of me being self-concious. unable to deal with what other people think about me. but thanks alot. i really mean it.
ah yes.. that too… sometimes i think everyone is looking at me laughing… easier to say than do, but… focus on you, instead of those other people. Wishin’ you well!