It’s odd. My default mood is, “meh.” The only other things I feel are mild sadness, anger and occasionally happiness. Literally numb to everything. I didn’t cry when I found my cat dead in the garden. I didn’t cry when I found my mother dead in bed. Or at her funeral. Of course I was sad, but I couldn’t feel anything. Honestly, and this sounds stupid, but it upsets me.
When something bad happens I think, “this is really sad” but no emotion comes. All congratulations are completely fake. To even try and celebrate seems fake. I feel less than human. It’s creepy.
I hate being around people because of it. My memory is shot to shit too, but I know I wasn’t always like this. Shy, but not this.
I guess I’m lonely, I can’t relate to people. What would I say? Life is such a dull shade of grey. Is there anyone that feels the same? Is this depression? I want to die.
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I think my feelings and feel my thoughts and act out my impulses. all my brain centers are miswired and doing eachother’s jobs -and very poorly. not giving a shit is totally liberating but it has a price I guess. nobody really chooses to care or not to care- they either do or not, and most of the people in my head change their minds on an hourly basis. maybe you really don’t care but if you get upset about it then you probly care. you care that you don’t care.
It’s unlikely, but have you ever done benadryl recreationally?
I only ask, because I have, and you seem to be describing exactly what happened to me..
I went through a period of my life doing benadryl like it was candy..
Thought it was fun at the time, really.
It left me completely bereft of imagination, emotion, and memories; so much so that I actually didn’t remember the time before my drug abuse, when I was imaginative, spirited, and though not happy, I was clearly a bright, intelligent kid..
Subsequently, the fog began to clear, enough for me to reflect on what I once was..
Actively reaching back into my past and attempting to revive and relive memories has helped, at least, to restore some fragments of my mind.
You say it in such a good way, that perfectly describes it. It’s so strange, like watching life on the news on tv. You think, “oh, that’s sad” but you’re less involved than if you were there.
You say the people in your head change their minds, are you schizophrenic? If you don’t mind me asking.
sortof like a video game.
I guess I’ve been called worse things than schizophrenic but I really don’t put too much stock into what most of psychiatric philosophy comes up with. I just know there’s more than one person in the theatre. you ever talk yourself in your head in second person? or say ‘we’ when you mean ‘I’? or fall asleep and debate with a counsel? the average joe appears to have “mood swings”because he isnt aware that there are 3-20 joes who all take turns on the body ride (some are more agressive than others, some never ride the ride, ext.). it might be easier to see in other people than in yourself.
@Improperemphasis, nah, I’ve never taken benadryl before, but I was a heavy weed user for about a month. It made me happier, but I had to stop taking it because after a while I felt like I was having a heart attack after just one pull.
It’s funny though, you mention remembering what you were, I get flashbacks almost, when I see old photos or someone tells a story and then I do show some sort of emotion. I miss the old me.
@tastelikecherries, you know, come to think of it, sometimes when I’m in a really depressed state, in my mind I have referred to myself in the third person, never the second though. Only when I’m thinking negative things about myself…”you’re so ugly, you’re…etc” you get the idea. I suppose everyone to some extent has other people up there triggered by different moods and situations. Definitely something I’ll think about. Also, I’m sorry for offending you with the schizophrenic thing…