Feeling hopeless….

I’m 33 and on disability for bipolar and BPD.  I’ve been to the hospital 10 times in 13 years.  Have had several pseudo-suicide attempts and I’ve burnt and cut myself several times in the past 8 years.  The future feels very lonely and poor.  After I pay my bills and rent, I have about $100 left for the whole month.  I’m worried about the government running out of money and then I’ll probably be homeless.  I live alone in a city where I don’t know anyone.  I’m in therapy, but I don’t know what good it’s going to do.  What I really want is companionship, but no woman wants to be with me.  I don’t see how things are going to get better.  I’m just barely staying alive.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt joy or happiness in my life.  Everyday I wake up and feel this horrible emptiness inside.  I often think about using my disability check to go buy a .22 rifle.  I just couldn’t do that to my mother though.  If she dies before me, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I just don’t see things ever getting better.  I guess I’m just supposed to accept my life and my limitations.  It’s very hard to just be happy feeling that I’m going to be poor and alone my whole life.  I have very poor social skills and I’m not good around people, but at the same time I crave to have friends and a girlfriend.  Oh well, whatever.