Last night I started making a list of what I needed and wanted to do before my transition (i don’t like calling it suicide or death or whatever, I prefer to think of it as a transfer from life to eternal life). Yes, I am a Christian and I believe that after this life I will live in eternity with God. I don’t care what others believe or don’t believe about that–but for me it’s one piece of hope. Anyhoo–I started making this list and I found such calmness in the process. I guess it’s maybe one of the last pieces of control I still have. I’ve set a date, started getting personal and professional affairs in order, and making any arrangements for my house, cat, etc. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll go through with my date but just having it makes me feel better. Does anyone understand that? Calm before the storm? I don’t know but whatever–I’ll take it.
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It is relieving when you’ve finally given up. Of course it sucks that you had to come to this feeling of relief to begin with. I hope it works out for you
How far off is your date?
TC-thanks.
Protoryu-4 months
i’ll be back stateside in 4 months. where do you live?
well i guess it’s actually 4 1/2 months. i live in PA.
Its so strange… when people make their dates they usually do months.
I did like 3 days…
I got a friend from PA. Hes pretty cool. me and him don’t hang out too much anymore, not because there’s something wrong but work is work. I won’t be in PA when i go stateside. PA is Pennsylvania right? HA Fat Albert. Sorry. You an Eagles fan?
Yes, PA is Pennsylvania. I prefer baseball over football-go Phillies! lol. Where will you be stateside? Don’t go someplace horrific like Texas.
Protoryu-I’m such a planner, always have been. I don’t do anything spontaneously or on the spur. I couldn’t do 3 days! I read another of your posts, have you made your decision on tomorrow?
Way to hold a grudge against texas. Jus playin i hate texas too. Nah I’m goin to virginia for bout a month. And i’m a yankee’s fan if anythin.
The “omg how could I do this to the people that love me…” feeling is going away now. So it is becoming more logical for me to just do it tomorrow.
Logical… haha thats a funny word when you have it in the context of suicide.
Lol Tim, know where in VA you will be?
“Yea you gotta help us, doc. We’ve tried nothin and we’re all out of ideas.”
sorry that was on the simpsons and it made me laugh. And your a good person so logically you should be helping people instead of giving yourself more problems. Jus be cool man things’ll look up, jus hang in there.
Nah i don’t know the address she lives at but ima get it soon
lol the simpsons “well of course everything looks bad if you remember it”
I live right beside richmond. Pretty much the center of VA.
And I would love to help people. It is such an amazing feeling getting to know peoples problems and help them all I can.
Prolly why I continue to come on here.. and text/email a handful of members.
Someone once told me until I save myself I cannot save others.
I just don’t think I can save myself.
Then don’t think about it. That goes for both you, stop thinking and jus do something. If you stop to think about something your gonna think of all the bad things that could happen. Only good things happen to those who jus do though. So do what you want, stop givin a shit about what people think, speak your mind, do something stupid. if you feel like jumping off of something then fuckin jump, you wanna roll down a hill, roll, you wanna play with toys then play. stop caring about what people think and most importantly stop thinking so damn much. jus do
for me it’s not so much “…don’t think I can save myself” as i’m not sure i WANT to save myself. can/want/able are all totally different concepts.
That ideology of can’t help others until you help yourself ring true for me. i’ve been in a helping profession for a while and that phrase gets thrown around a lot. I don’t think I’m being any good to anyone else b/c i’m so jacked up myself.
“I’m a well wisher and I don’t wish you any specific harm” Simpsons are fucking funny.
We have alot of regulations and shit to remember and when we’re doing something wrong or there’s something wrong with our uniform who always hear someone say “Unfuck yourself Marine.” They say it before we have too many problems. You fix the small ones right away so you don’t have to deal with them when the big ones come. But when that happens all you gotta do is stop, take a breathe, and jus be cool. break it down and take on the smallest problem first then go up.
So unfuck yourselves. dont mean to be mean when i say it.
I get what you’re saying TC but if I could unfuck myself, I would have figured it out by now. It’s not for lack of trying but maybe it’s not just in the cards for me (and for others on here). I accept that.
Well shit. I guess i don’t like it. kinda sucks that i’m happy when you guys arent
Yes, I am fucked beyond ‘unfucking’.
It is like the Ninth District after Katrina.
*sigh*
Frenzy, i don’t know about you, but lately I feel like i’m in a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” place. Live, die, exist, don’t exist. There’s no good answer to any of it. I often describe my life as being “organized chaos.”
My children are grown now, and on there own. For years I didn’t do it because of the thought of my mother telling my small children their mother was dead…and see where you are. Now, though, they understand that this could happen…I’m bipolar, and they were made aware. There is nothing to stop me now.
*and I see where you are
Hey guys I know we are serious here but I cant help but laugh at: Yes, I am fucked beyond ‘unfucking’ at Frenzy 🙂
My perspective: Life is complicated, and complex.
There’s so many factors here & there, so that’s why it can’t all be solved in just a single one guess or method. That’s simply premature. I’ve learned this quite the hard way..but really, what can we really do?..after all, this is a real, & Physical world we’re still living in, so there’s obviously many limited physical factors..We’re only mere humans. That’s why I salute & respect the great & as well wise astronomer
Carl Sagan, cuz he said “we (humans) are all like butterflies who flutter just for a day, but think we live forever”. Ha!
So bottom-line?
I believe: we do what we have to do,
the things that really, truly matters..
that’s all.
I mean I’d really love to say that the fact that we EXIST now is already amazing in itself,.so we have to ‘naturally’ continue LIVING…but I’m sure somebody else will say but we all will DIE anyway, and since my Pains is really unbearable, then why not die NOW?..
So which to choose?….I dunno..we’re not him, and you are not me, etc. So kinda impossible to be able to understand 100% each other’s problem & factors associated with it.
Heck, nobody is perfect, and for hella sure this world and human beings is FAR from perfect!
But just know this:
at least, we here still somewhat CARE about you,
otherwise,.we won’t bother writing and replying to each other..
So…that’s one ‘beauty’ of this…fleshy, physical, limited real-world life,..isn’t it?…try to cherish it,.while u still can.
Oh and for those who want to email me and feel wanna talk more, my email is nikiwonoto (at) gmail (dot) com.
Always glad to talk & share with Real sincere, and honest folks.
^^^ Carl Sagan was amazing.
Niki, thanks for posting the “we do what we have to do” bit. You’re right–we each make incredibly difficult decisions about life and death and everything inbetween. 95% of the world doesn’t understand that sometimes what we have to do is die.