fuck.

my stomach drops everytime i hear anything about my past friendship with someone who meant a lot to me and i cant stand it anymore. i’m sick of being the one that everyone comes running to when they’ve hit rock bottom. “the fixer” is apparently an adequate word to describe me. i hate that. i’m sick of trying to help everyone that i pose some interest in and never here them ask “what about you, are you okay?”. the truth of the matter is that no matter who i finally connect with, all that matters to them is themselves and that which they cannot achieve or gain sufficient attention from. give someone too much attention and they will take you for granted. they will make you feel like shit 24/7 without realising or acknowledging it. they will make you want to fuck off from this planet. the only thing they will apologise for after months without speaking to you is “ruining your friendship with so and so”. not your life, but ruining an apparent friendship with someone else that was almost meaningless. they will not apologise for leaving you completely alone. that, to me, is the most selfish and ignorant thing. i’m sick of it. i’m sick of being alone. i want to be with people that understand that. i haven’t found anyone who does. everyone has someone, even if they are unhappy about it. i took all the times i had people who seemed to care about me for granted. and now i’m back in the shit, continuing this chronic depression of 6 years.

the only thing keeping me from suicide is hope. flimsy as fuck but it stops me every time. i might (can i reinstate might) be something significant one day. that’s all that keeps me alive. i just want some people that i can call my friends, who actually want to hang out with me, maybe having a cigarette or two and discuss everything shit or great about the world. and then after that, try and do something about it. i wish i had the guts and lack of anxiety to get out there and find these people.