Here’s the deal.

So here’s what has happened.

The last couple of weeks were really good, I don’t know why, they just were. I had more self confidence, I didn’t cut myself once, and when I thought about suicide I’d think to myself that it probably wasn’t what I wanted. I went to my psychiatrist and she told me that my depression had dropped dramatically, but my anxiety had gotten worse. I was pretty happy to hear this, so I went to school and told my two best friends, who were so happy they were almost in tears.

Then it got worse again. I cut myself again, because that’s the only way I know how to deal with anything anymore. Whenever life gets tough I go straight for the scissors. Because you know what? It’s easier than actually doing anything about something you can’t change. Now my life is like this… I sit in my room, continuously thinking about what’s wrong with me and making myself uncomfortable in my own skin. I have to hold myself back before I go and have a spaz at my friends because I’m not happy with myself and because I am always jealous of their lives because they’re just so much better than I am. And I hate being told they’re not. They truly are. I sit here listening to depressing music. I leave my homework to the last minute and then have panic attacks because I realise I can’t do it. I walk to school and try to hold back tears because I can’t stop thinking. I can’t wear mascara anymore just in case I start crying and smudge it everywhere. I eat so much it’s not even funny. I am just so sick of all of this. How can depression come and go like this? It feels like life is just tricking me, “Here’s a few good days, but don’t get too comfortable, you’ll want to kill yourself next week.”

How is that fair? It’s not. Because life never is, and never will be, fair.