I started going to a new counselor about a month ago. She’s really good, I like her. Like, I’m finally realizing just how many unresolved issues I have. It’s scary. I never realized how good I was at hiding it all, burying it. Making myself forget just how unwanted I’ve always been. For 15 years it’s all been building up. That’s far too long to keep everything pent up inside.
I never realized just how much being bullied has affected me. Being seen as an extra to my parents and everyone else in my family. Not ever having  friends.
All these feelings of depression, inadequacy, sadness, being lonely. They’re slowly starting to make sense. I know the reasons for them, but it doesn’t change anything though. The feelings still remain. I just have a better understanding of  it all now. I don’t know how to fix it either, but I guess that’s one of the reasons I’m in counselling. To get the tools and help to fix it all. I don’t think those feelings will ever completely disappear though. They will always be lurking. Waiting for a reason to surface and make me hate myself some more, then reach for the razor again. I feel like I’ll always be a slave to that. There’s no real escape, besides suicide. I’ve tried it a couple times before, so I know I’m capable of doing it if it gets to that point. I don’t currently think it is the best option at the moment. But, I still find my mind wondering there quite frequently.
Right now, I feel like there might be a chance of life getting better. Lets hope for the best.
3 comments
Hoping for the best…
My counselor taught me how to make crack. I liked her.
Understanding where those feelings come from is only the first step. Thinking differently, then acting differently, and eventually feeling differently come later, baby steps, one at a time. But it can get better. I was also bullied mercilessly as a kid and had no friends. Now I am 46, and yes some of these shadows are still hanging around (and I had lots of shit happening later in life, but hopefully you are luckier), but the main thing is, now as an adult I have wonderful, true friends, and there is every reason to trust that you will too, if you are open for it. I think you are on the right track, keep going, stay strong, and beat that black dog!
I recently met with a new counselor, and I hope I continue on with her.
I also struggle with myself, but I think it’s okay.
It seems as if you are at least trying, and that by itself can make some things better.