Just a rant about my life?

  September 18th, 2011 by SnowyBeawr

I feel like writing about myself…… I don’t know why.

My name… well, just call me Snowy. I really don’t want to give out my name, just in case someone I know might be lurking on this website… o__o” I’m a girl. I’m 14. I’m young. I know.

I don’t really remember how I ever found this website, probably just one of those suicide Google searches I do once in a while. I started out reading people’s posts and whatnot. After I made an account, I never really had the guts to comment or really make any posts…

Well anyways.. more about me.. I have a lot of issues. I cut. I’m suicidal. I probably have depression. Probably bi-polar? Maybe a tiny bit schizophrenic? (Not sure, never been diagnosed properly by a doctor or whatever..) Definitely insane.

I don’t really have a family. My dad was abusive towards my mom when I was only a baby, and she left him. I never really cared that I didn’t have a father when I was little.. Currently hes off somewhere with his new wife, and new family. He even adopted a son. I also hate my mom. I don’t have a pinch of love for her. Nothing. I seem so selfish, but all the shit she put me through, like beat me, spend all my college funds on partying and alcohol, call me nasty things, refuse to take me to therapy…. Ehh..

Honestly, I don’t know where things just began to go downhill. I started cutting when I was 11. I never really understood why I started, it was just because of some pathetic breakup. Back then, I had self control. I didn’t crave it, didn’t need it.  A year later, it got worse. I had constant suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t stop cutting. At that time, I was seeing a school counselor. That was sort of an attempt to get myself help… He never called my mom or anything though. I also started hearing voices? (I’m not even sure what they were…) They always criticized me everywhere. In school, at home, with friends… Always called me useless, and told me to simply die. I once drank alcohol alone just to “make everything go away”. Then at age 13, I just stopped going to him. I cut a lot, I had so many thoughts… I was on my own. During the summer, my mom saw the cuts on my arm (Yeah, she never noticed until that day…) and screamed at me. She didn’t do anything after that though… I still had “voices?”, and I even named them. Hailey and Callie. Hailey basically hated me, and Callie just argued with Hailey. They don’t talk much nowadays though…

I guess my cowardice kept me alive to today. I see myself as nothing. Pathetic. A waste. I simply hate myself.

Ehh, I guess I’m done writing for now.

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