It s a very beautiful day. It s neither too hot nor cold. The summer is ending.
It could have been a very sad day though. But i promised, actually i gave a lot of promises since Sunday. and I am very bad at keeping them. This time I am going to try really hard.
I was so close. Even though i don t remember most of the things that happened that night. I remember it should have been an incredible evening. Before i went out i saw a picture of my (now ex best friends) having fun on the seaside. They post it on the Internet. I just did what i always do, put it in a draw , and shake my head from all the bad things. I overfilled the draw and drank a lot that night. This happens now and than, I crack and do something stupid. I also have this new problem, I can t stop drinking. I don t feel confident without alcohol anymore.
So i cracked. The last scene was in the cottage, we were singing, dancing on the table and ofc we were smiling. It could have been a good night. I keep saying that all the time. I came home early i guess and i don t know how but i found a razor and everything was going so smoothly. I didn t feel a single cut  and it felt good ( i do feel them now). I don t know if i was crying but i still have this weird feeling from all this blood pouring from my hand. It had a nice color. I wrote a good-bye note ( I wanted a  little blue rose on my grave ).  I was just starring at the puddle of blood that was growing bigger and i loved the feeling of blood dripping from my hand all over the room.  They told me my sister found me, she hugged me and screamed.
My family saved me. Even though i didn t want to be saved. I have this bandage, and they all treat me so nice. They didn t took me to hospital because my mom works there and she would be embarrassed ( small town). Â Next morning i was cleaning all the blood on doors and walls.
I know how much they love me  now. I promised my mom i won t do it again because it would crush her. They told me how happy they were when i was born, and how i was their sunshine. Father told me that he still believes in me.
I don t know why i did it. I really don t remember. I still feel sad but I am going to try to stay alive for them.
18 comments
Filled my eyes with tears reading you. It was terribly sad but thanks god with a happy end. Now, despite that you do have a good purpose and you are so lucky of having such a beautiful family, you really should take care of whatever drove you to that. I can understand the drinking, but the poodle of blood that is a different thing. I understand that “small town” stuff concern, but going to the doctor is nothing unusual I would say, and what counts is your wellbeing.
Hugs
O
Thank you 🙂 This the reason i am here. Because people understand. Well here in our town people gossip a lot, and if i was taken to the hospital they would taken my blood sample and see alcohol, a lot. And because of the suicide attempt i would have to go to psychologist and all the other procedures. And the next day everyone would now about this. But soon I am leaving for college. 2 more weeks actually and a fresh new start. 🙂
I remember a few months back i did some major drinkin and i almost killed myself in my boys room while him and i were playing a game. I don’t remember the details but he said i tried to strangle myself with a cord. He said i kept talkin bout how much i hated my dad. I’m glad you didn’t die. Alcohol can bring out the worst in us sometimes.
Please see a counselor. I know I sound like a broken record, but it is what you need right now.
My lil bro’s in college. Doin what I’ll prolly never get a chance too. Not a bad thing, i found what i like. But now you’ve got a chance to do what i can’t. Treat it as a new start and make something out of it
I know. Even though i didn t want to study this, I really try to be the best.
^^^ Military pays for college, no?
No, the country does. And it s new, because we had to pay from our own pocket until 2010
It does, but i don’t wanna go to college. failed four years of high school, fought my way to graduatin on time so i could be a Marine and now I’m happy where i’m at. I’m tryin to keep myself form every goin to school again. But i do suggest if you have a chance to go to college take it, take it with both hands
You still do. it’s paid for through your taxes. Kinda depends on what state you live in for how much you pay
But it is much better like this. Ppl used to pay around 2000 euro for only one year. And not everyone can afford it.
You should always strive to be the best
Your right and because of that i think ima take advantage of what i got and get my free schooling. I’ve always wanted to start up my own publishing company
Publishing company, wow that is amazing. You should do that. I always wanted to write something, a novel or something like that.
i used to be a writer before i became a Marine. Something boot camp screwed up is my ability to write. I think you should write a novel. I’d read it. I like to read
I write, mostly short stories and some poems ( one was published in some kind of book, nothing important). Writing use to help me to get out from my routine.
Same here. I used to write stories about what other people were thinking in dark situations, the fucked up things that bothered them and they went crazy for. And it is important. I wrote a shit ton of stories and none of them ever got published, mostly cause i didn’t want them to be. I was good at writing and i didn’t want people takin that away from me. Now i can’t write. You should keep writing if you want to write. People will read them i promise you. You can tell if a story was written from the heart and you’ll do fine if it is.
thx. I ll try to find again ( the inspiration). Writing helped me. It kept me happy somehow. You should try to write again too 🙂 i would also love to read one of your stories ^^ and once again thank you for all the good advice.