My Best Friend, Jessica, tried to kill herself in 2007.  She survived… But barely.  She hung herself from a belt in her closet…. The belt was said to be 1/2 cm ‘too thick’ to kill her.  Instead, it basically turned my best friend into a vegetable.  Jessi couldn’t speak or move by herself… And two years after her attempted suicide and us fighting for her life, she passed away.  We never got to hear Jessi’s story.  We never got to hear the answer to all of our only question… Why, Jessi?  Febuary 12,2009 I was visiting family 900 miles away from Jessi, and I got ‘the’ phone call at 5:14 am.  I was devastated.  I was angry at Jessi for doing this to us… (I know this is selfish)….I never understood how she could do this to us… Until now.  And I feel so conflicted, I would never want to hurt my family and friends the way I was hurt over that… But, I understand.. And the thought of relieving my pain over everyone else’s pain is…….
I’m 21.  I married my husband at age 18.  I got pregnant at age 19.  I had my son at age 20.  So, i have this beautiful baby boy, and a husband who beats me…. A husband who calls me a whore, slut, *****, nasty….. anything… every single day of my life since I was 6 months pregnant.  I’m not allowed to dress with any type of low cut shirt, I’m not allowed to wear skirts or shorts, unless I want to be cussed at.  And when I wear makeup, he swears up and down that I’m cheating on him…. That I do it so that other guys will look at me… I’m a waitress…  He tells me that I really go into work to be a prostitute….  If you knew me, this is the very last thing you would think of me… I don’t smoke.  I only drink on occasion… I can count on one hand how many times I’ve drank… And I rarely cuss.  I’m not what he says I am.  I’ve moved back to my mom’s house in order to not get beaten every day and I don’t want my son to grow  up in a home with the language he uses or his screaming and literally throwing things.  As glad as I am that I’m not having to buy cover-up in bulk anymore and that i don’t have to take my glasses off, just to be able to wear the big sunglasses to cover up bruises, moving away from isn’t enough… I can’t afford a divorce… So he thinks he still ‘owns’ me..  I’m scared to death to hang out anywhere where guys would be around or with anyone who would have a guy around… I’m SCARED to death…. i don’t know what to do.
Although, he is the majority of my (problem?), I have post-pardon depression…extremely bad case of it… But I can’t afford the doctors visits or the medicine prescribed to help with it… So I feel stuck.. I feel like I will never be better.  Im taking college courses online… and the only reason that my mentor hasn’t kicked me out yet, is because she has ‘faith’ in me… I’ve broken every single rule regarding communication and/or doing the work… I just can’t do it right now… But if I get kicked out, I will have a $400.00 school loan bill monthly… And… As ‘you’ whoever is reading this….can tell, I have no money… All of my money goes to my son… .Because my husband has no job, and is no help.. I pay for babysitting, diapers, wipes…. everything…
I feel stuck…
I want out.
I really want out… And the more I write about it…The more I think about it….The more I want out…
Please, someone, Say something… .Anything?
10 comments
your son needs a mother. he needs his protector. he needs you to do the right thing and go to the authorities. to your little boy you are probably the world to him. next time you think about wanting out, think of him. his beautiful smile, the way he laughs, his cute little toes. if you need someone to talk to you can email me at death4kisses@gmail.com.
I don’t know what to tell you because I myself am suffering through depression.
I read your story, and I think you have reason to be scared and not sure what to do.
I may not be able to offer support, and I don’t have a solution, but I feel that you need someone you can trust.
Perhaps you should distinguish really wanting to kill yourself from escaping pain or living a better life.
If my reply offended you or made you feel worse, I apologize.
try to hang in there sweetheart
i really wish you can leave this dirtbag
hang in there
if you want, you can email me at spanaker07 (at) hotmail (dot) com
I’m sorry you’re in such a horrible situation. I’d recommend visiting a women’s shelter. The staff there have experience with these kind of situations and could help advise you. If you can gather evidence of your husband’s abuse I would recommend that also. It should help with divorcing him and would make it difficult (if not impossible) for him to get custody or visitation rights of your son. You might want to get legal custody of your son if you do not already.
As for your depression, there might be a free health clinic around where you live. They usually have a long waiting list to see a doctor but you shouldn’t let that discourage you. At least having an appointment, even if it’s over a month away, is better than nothing. There are also several antidepressants that only cost 4 dollars a month.
we can talk
maybe you could get seperated; move in with a friend and get on some kind of government aid or EBT to help pay your bills- they have programs for parents at least in the state I’m in, there’s also shelters for battered women, there’s grants for students also.. there’s a stigma about taking advantage of these sortof aids but it sounds like you actually need it and there’s no shame in that; you owe it to yourself and your kid to get out of there away from dude- even if he isn’t beating your kid too just being in that environment is going to screw your kids head up; plus if dude doesn’t have a problem saying that kind of shit to you and hitting you how long do you think it’s going to take before he gets pissed off at your son and acts in a similar manor.
get out.
I mean you could just kill yourself and leave junior alone with dude to watch over him, but thats pretty cruel and irresponsable. you’re functioning as a demonstration to your kid of how people in relationships are supposed to act weather you’re up to it or not- if you hang in there youre going to teach your kid it’s cool and normal to beat women and they’re just supposed to hang in there and pay your bills while you treat them like crap. thats not cool.
You have to be strong, not just for yourself but for your son. If you’re gone, what will happen to him? At least think of that. Think of what you’re doing to him if you let yourself go. You have to show your son the right way. More than that, you have to keep both yourself and him away from that man who calls himself your husband. You won’t be able to do that if you’re not there or if you’re going to let yourself stay weak.
As for your husband, well, I don’t really know the system, but if you can’t get government aid, there’s bound to be an organization that could help out. You got the internet, it would be easy for you to find one near you, or the nearest you can get. You need help, you get it using the ways you have in your hands. If you can, why don’t you ask the people around you for help? If not your mom, then your friends, or even that mentor you mentioned. Though just make sure to stay safe from your husband and go to someone whom you know and trust not to go to your husband and rat on you.
It’s going to be difficult, but you need to persevere. Keep thinking you want to get better and you’re going to make it, make it your mantra, even if it doesn’t look that way, or even if you feel its hopeless. No matter what, don’t let yourself think anything less, because then you’ll be giving in, and at that moment, you have a lot to lose, not just yourself but yours and your son’s future.