One bad mistake…

My girlfiend and I broke up nearly 5 months ago. We were together for a year. It was the best year of my life-full time job I love, own apartment now a girl I like and respect. She told me on our first date she’s bipolar with an anxiety disorder. She showed me all the scars on her arms. I was quite taken aback by all this at first but thought, ‘well, everone’s got shit we need to deal with’, and all I can base people on is what I see in front of me, and she was sweet, honest, cute, and I thought courageous for telling me all this right away, like ‘here it is, take it or leave it’. Sort of like someone admitting they have a venereal disease on the first date. From day one all I wanted was to help this innocent girl feel comfortable in her own skin, and then I began to lover her. We spent every weekend at each other’s place (she has a condo in the burbs). We spent every weekend and many weekdays together for a year. Only got in one little arguement on a weekend vacation, and on the drive home we quickly sorted it out, and by the time we left each other we were sad to see each other go. That was in February.

Then she started feeling a bit depressed due to insomnia and changing medication dosages, maybe other things too. In May she suddenly texts me out of the blue after a long and shitty day at work saying, ‘ As much as it hurts I need to take a break. We should give each other back our stuff’. I asked if there was someone else. I tried calling but she was too pissed to answer. So we kept texting and I was drinking and things were getting out of hand, I could tell.  So I text her, ‘Fine, come over and give me my shit. I want it all back now.’ So she comes over and I say ‘Can we talk?’ she says she wants her stuff back in a frantic way. This goes on for a couple minutes until I finally explode saying, ‘Fine! You want your shit back? HERE!’ as I proceed to whip her condo keys into her cat’s litter box, breaking a hole in it. Then she’s leaving cuz she’s understandably frightened. But I’m in her face screaming at her. As she leaves my apartment I scream, ‘You forgot your razorblade, cuz your gonna need that when you get home!’ Horrible, I know. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever said to anyone, and believe me, it’s why I’m writing this now.

I haven’t seen her since that day. We have texted as recently as a week ago, but it was not good. 3 months ago she said she’s cutting herself again and I feel terrible that I caused a person to do that to themself, let alone the girl I love most. She can’t and won’t forgive me. Says she doesn’t feel safe around me. Says I deserve the worst life ever and she wishes I was dead, that she had never met me. I have been thinking of the meaninglessness of life without her, and my own worthlessness as a person; that I was even capable of such things makes me think I deserve to die.

 I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 3 months pretty regularly (once every 2-3 weeks) and after tests and evalutaions, it is determined that I am not bipolar, ADD, borderline personality, or anything else. Just super depressed, I guess, but I have never thought of suicide in my life until now. I work in animal control, and have access to all sorts of chemicals (chloroform, CO2, etc.). I work extensively on ladders and roofs and have considered ‘accidentally’ falling. Just got my gun card in the mail. I am good to do it whenver I want but my parents are still alive and I cant hurt them like that. Don’t really care about hurting anyone else. I guess she’s got me believing all the stuff she is saying. The pain is too deep to describe, and only getting worse. I only live to hope that one day sooner rather than later she can forgive me. I’ve tried telling her how sorry I am but she will have none of it. Every morning I wake up thinking, this is the day, but as I work (still like my job) and the day goes on the feeling fades a bit, although I haven’t had a single good day since that day in May.