out of the closet

  September 28th, 2011 by tphg

“I’m a sociopath….there’s not much he can do for me.” – Dexter tv series

This is what’s really been bugging me for the last year or so(i dunno, time is funny when you’re on drugs). I’m a sociopath/psychopath of some kind and coming to this realization has made it really hard to live the way I used to.

It seems like, now, I spend every minute of every day depressed because I know what I am and it saddens me to know I’ll never have the normal life I want. I always figured that I’d grow out of this, whatever it was but now…

“There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder.” – http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

I really don’t have the desire to change myself and be “normal”. There’s something wrong with “normal” people and I really don’t want to add that defect onto my pile. I just feel all the more depressed after reading that web page. Maybe it’s the pot making me paranoid but now that I know what type of person I am, why I use people the way I do and have no moral coding, I fee like everybody knows. As if they can smell the difference between me and some other human body.

Yes, I did publish several recordings detailing my wicked ways for all of the people in my world to listen to. I let them know, in great detail, that I’m not like them, that I’m angry and depressed and just want to die. I’m positive nobody bothered to listen but in my mind, they all did. I put it on the internet so it’s like the world knows me now.

Before I got so entrenched into my studying of psychological disorders, I could be who I was without issue. I wasn’t aware that my behavior and thinking was textbook sociopath. Now I question every move I make, every thought. Am I doing this or that for the right reason or because of the type of person I am?

I don’t have real problems because I don’t have a real life. Despite how much effort I put in for a different result, I always seem to end up in situations that benefit my inner sociopath. Surrounded by succulent simians for me to leech off of and use whenever I like.

I keep myself in this job because my co-workers all coddle me and treat me like the office baby. I say I hate it and I feel the negative emotion that goes along with it, but at the same time I love it. It’s all I want, for people to treat me that way.

I don’t have a drivers license, girlfriend/wife, house, debt, children, money.. I’m 25 but don’t really live an adult life or have interest in doing so. I can’t help how I feel, can’t help but want what I want. I don’t want to be this way but I’m a slave to myself. I can talk myself into anything.

What it all comes down to is that I’m miserable here, on this Earth, and that justifies everything I do. “Why shouldn’t I lie or this or that? I’m so unhappy. Don’t I deserve a bit of happiness?” I really don’t deserve anything because I don’t work for anything. I let others work for me..

I want a wife, house in the burbs with a white picket fence, .5 children, dog, cat, duck, huge backyard for my garden, and a job that brings home the bacon. I want normal things but… ugh.. not willing to work/don’t know how, and I’m not good enough con my way into that life.

What else is there for me, really, besides suicide/death? I started reading the Satanic Bible and even LaVey says I’m hopeless, that I’m a waste of space. I’m not suicidal by choice but because it’s the only logical conclusion.

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