the downside

September 13th, 2011by tphg

fudge. I wish I wanted to die, do you know what I mean? I wish that I had the true urge to kill myself, to make this body go smoosh. I just want to stop. I’m so tired of it all. I don’t even want to run away somewhere to live out my days in paradise or something. I just want to stop being. Gosh, I wish I was never born. I wish my mother wasn’t a loose college girl that gave it up to the first guy that smiled her way. the hell are wishes anyway? Superstitious bull; it’s all bull.

I realized today that I do want help, that I wanna be saved. I’d even throw in with God and his lot if I thought I could be mended. I just don’t want to live my life on pills. I’ve seen what it does to a person. I was dating this girl with the most beautiful personality but she changed into a happy, shiny drone when she found the correct cocktail of pills for herself. She wasn’t the same person at all, she became just another bill paying, debt having human being. I DON’T WANT THIS LIFE! I don’t want to be a person. I don’t want to have thoughts or feel or eat or sleep or anything of it; it’s all such a strain. Everything hurts, everything hurts.

I want to kill myself but I’m a coward; I always wait for issues to resolve themselves. I, I, I, my I’m self centred. Stop thinking about me, but what is there but me and what I perceive? I don’t care about others and their plights.. die tyrone die, die you bastard child, die. you waste of a man, die. I can’t go on like this, writing and recording these apathetic rhymes for no one but myself to stew in and rage so much fricken rage. I don’t want to eb convinced that human life is worth living, don’t want pills. whats the other options, there has to be more, im beating away at this keyboard and there has to be more than this. I’m thinking of joining scientology but man, there has to better

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