They keep haunting me with their smiles

  September 6th, 2011 by blind.cinderella

My palms sweat while I stare at my wounds. I kind of hope that i won t be marked with a scar. But somehow I am marked inside, right?
It can t be changed. I guess this summer was full of regrets.

I cant stop thinking about those moments, those important moments when things could go on a different way. There isn t a night when i didn t think of them. Sometimes i just go through our old pictures, and I cant cry…I just feel a cold breeze somewhere inside me, a black hole that is spreading around. It chokes me day by day.

I use to hurt myself in different ways, was often depressed but when i got to high school i met this wonderful people. The three of them ( two girls and a guy) loved me for who i was and it was the same i loved about them. We never lied. I guess I could not wish more. We use to forgive each other everything. And i keep asking myself what was the thing that make them close their eyes for me.  It was my fault in some ways. But it cant be, it cant be they left me alone because I am suicidal. I could tell this story about how i started drinking heavily but we all did. That time I crossed the line, on this party and i told them all my darkest thoughts and tried to kill myself. I don t remember everything but I know they were there with me, and the next day they didn t want to say hello to me.  We helped each other through rough times, they had problems and i was there pulling them through mud     (and it s not a metaphor) . And all i got from them was an email with a link with help for suicidal people.

Since than i am a failure. One of these days i met them in town, they came to hug me. I was holding them and didn t want to let go, was so happy. I later thought it was joke but they told me they were just a little bit drunk.

This past moments are haunting me all the time. Like the past won t let go of my hand, she is always there in the back of my mind to remind me, to blame me. I feel like screaming sometimes. I can see them going into the future forgetting what we had, moving forward to their girlfriends/boyfriends, perfect college, into a new bright life with their smiles without any thought of their lost friend.
And i still sit here  with a huge cut on my wrist ( still stare at the picture of a little pool of  blood in my room).
I have been here many times before, and yes there is no one else to blame. I will get better i know, i always do. i am only afraid of the next fall, coz it s getting worse.
I just can t stand people judging others. I told them that once, and how they had their own falls, and they told me they ve changed, but I have changed for the worse.

I am happy i found this site with people full of understanding. Thank you. ( I just needed to write this, I feel better when i talk to someone, and i don t have anyone to talk to right now) .

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