Unknowingly Out Of Control

September 24th, 2011by ImpulsiveReactions

I really don’t know what to do to help me feel any better, so I made this to share my story. I’ve cut since 6th grade and and was anorexic in 7th and never had anybody there to help me. I was really bad. I have over 60 scars all over my body and you can see all my bones. I can’t trust myself with scissors or anything with a sharp or hard edge. When I feel embarrassed or need to do something I pretend to stab myself in my stomach, or in my neck, bang my head against the wall, or think of death. I’m afraid if I have a knife in my hand I’ll forget and possibly kill myself. I feel so scared of myself it doesn’t help that I dream of dying all night. not the normal ones were you wake up before you die. the ones were you watch yourself be eaten my the zombies or see yourself splatter at the bottom of the cliff. It was terrifying. Also If I didn’t have a knife near me when i was feeling depressed I’d use my nails or indent my skin with a pencil. Sometimes I didn’t know I was doing it. Most of it was subconscious, but even when I found out what I was doing I wouldn’t stop myself. It now scares me so much that I was doing it unknowingly, I’ve even chocked myself for minutes before knowing I was even doing it. I met this guy and he was the first help I’ve ever gotten. It was too good to be true that he cared about me. That he didn’t want me to hurt, or feel any pain. He helped me through so much. He broke up with me four days ago. He made me promise I wouldn’t hurt myself, and I don’t know if I can keep it. I feel all alone again. my friends don’t understand, and I can’t tell my dad or he’ll just send me to some stupid rehab or off to Illinois with my mom and step-dad. I’ve thought about suicide, but I just cant get myself to break the promise. The only thing I’ve done since the break up was bite a hole in my lip to keep from crying. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m alone in a world of color where I’m only the grey speck in their stupid happiness rainbow.

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