what to do?

  September 23rd, 2011 by tphg

I keep pushing forward in my life but I always find myself back at the point of not caring.

I’m moving this weekend to a house with people I don’t know. It’s a friend of my father that’s going to let me stay in his spare room, rent free, indefinitely.

I told my father a month or so ago about what was bothering me, but really I was just ranting about things out of my control (goverments, society, god etc). He thinks I’m ready to top myself off which just isn’t the case (I’m just severely depressed, chronic). So he’s set up this whole thing where I can go live with his friend and he can keep an eye on me.

I don’t really know what’s bothering me aboutt his whole situation. I’ve been complaining to myself (i do that quite a bit) all year about how I hate having to pay for my existence, especially since I don’t want it. Now, I have my dad willing to take the financial strain for me, but at what cost?

His friend (who keeps telling me that I should treat him like I would my father; freaking weirdo, i get what he means but eff that), is a religious zealot bent on saving me from myself.

He wants to take me to church and start working out (get me all fixed up so that a woman will want me), but I just don’t care anymore. I’m the walking dead, beyond saving.

I’m not interested in being any other way than how I am now. I don’t want to change; that’s what’s bothering me. Honestly, the only thing I want now is the worlds destruction. I’m only interested in witnessing the last, great fall of mankind.

I read about the Palestinians and their bid for freedom(or whatever) and it makes me drool; I salivate at the thought that this might quickly escalate into a physical confrontation between what’s left of the great powers of the world.

Mother natures doing her best to whipe us out but her best just isn’t good enough. Tornados, hurricanes, volcanoes, plague… we need something new! The escalating animal flus are a start but c’mon mother, show us what you got!

I hate humans. I have a human body with human needs so I continue on with this mortal life, satisfying whichever urges begin to bubble over. But I’m nothing more inside; not interested in integrating into a wholly irrational collective of “super beings”. Lotta good these brains have done us..

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