My life isn’t terrible. In fact, I should be quite happy. No intense pressures, people who love me, I’ve done well for myself and escaped a dysfunctional family.
But the suicidal thoughts are never far away. When I am driving I think about not responding to a curve and letting the car go off the road. Sometimes I find myself in front of the medicine cabinet staring at the bottles. I think of guns and imagine myself pulling the trigger. I’ve recently started hitting myself.
I never think about what it would be like for those left behind.
I’m not afraid of dying. I don’t believe in an afterlife so I’m not afraid of what awaits me.
I’m not sure why I haven’t done it yet, what is keeping me from it. I think I’ll probably kill myself one day just because I can’t think of a good reason not to and the tools to do it are easily accessible.
I suppose any psychologist would just say, “Those things are just the symptoms of depression.” But I can’t make myself care enough to get help. The most I could manage was this post. So here it is.
7 comments
I could see us being best bros; that’s my life as well. I had the best day yesterday but the dark thoughts are already creeping back tot he forefront.
Remember, there’s always a reason to get up in the morning, and when you find that reason, say it out loud: “I knew there was a reason why I got up in the morning.” It can be anything no matter how small.
What gets me up every morning are these three little burritos I buy almost everyday for three dollars. They just make my day, they taste so fucking good. And I’m always in a good mood to see someone I work with everyday, even if she isn’t always happy to see me, which happens to be a lot lately.
@TC: somehow, I’ve always found your posts to be quite inspiring…simple, yet at the same time they’re also inspiring. I think you have potentials..perhaps being a counselor? psychologist? or even just as a good listener?
thank you for somehow bringing your lights into this website.
Thank you, I appreciate the compliment. I wouldn’t mean being a counselor or just listening to you guys. You guys can’t call me but I can call you. Email me if you wanna talk.
timcra24@yahoo.com
You all are good people who just need to realize it. The best advice i can truly give you guys, cause it was the best given to me, is… Jus be cool
tphg: I know what you mean. (But I can’t be your bro – I’m a chick).
TC: thanks for the advice. I don’t really think that’s my problem. There are things I enjoy immensely. But like tphg said the best day can end in suicidal thoughts. If it were as simple as noticing small pleasures, I’d be home free.
I think you seem quite normal. Death is a part of life and why wouldn’t you want to control your death as you would your life.