Just stumbled across this forum and read a few of the posts, and for some reason felt “inspired” to share some of my thoughts. I guess I find it relieving to read other people’s dark thoughts when I spend so much time with my own thoughts of that caliber. Hopefully some of you can get the same sense of relief out of reading this.
Most people would probably say that I have no reason whatsoever to feel depressed, misanthropic or hollow. At the age of 24 I’ve added many job merits to my resume, I come from a loving home, I’m athletic and buff, I live in Sweden (home of the welfare state), I attend law school and yada yada… I probably just wrote that “intro” to separate myself from unemployed people living on the margins of society who come on here writing about suicide, just to set myself apart from them. Sad and cynical, I know, but well, can’t help it. The psychological defenses of the mind are not to be underestimated, and they’re definitely at work here.
Anyway, having said that, it’s like no matter what I do in life I can’ t seem to shake off the feeling of bitterness and loathing for mankind and our society. What we all, as a clutch, as a collective of humans, do to nature, what we do to animals, what we do to each other… Why would I want to be a part of a species so destructive, so apt to instigate conflict and so reluctant to make peace? I watch the hysterical society we’ve all been brought up in with disgust and long for something else. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one observing all the madness, while most people around me just adapt to the spinning wheel and plan their careers, dream of children and a big house. I want none of that. I don’t want a career forcing me to perform and be “productive” all my life. A big house will probably make me feel even more hollow, and I’m gay so I can’t have children (but even if I could, I wouldn’t want them – the last thing this world needs is even more human consumers). I want something else. What that “something else” is is far from certain. Even though the current society leads us towards ecological, social and economic collapse, it’s not like I’m longing to live off of the earth in a sustainable way, i.e. abandon all the comforts of our modern day society. I want out, but I want to be in as well. I guess I’m a product of the very society I hate, and it makes me want to throw up. I am a part of mankind until I find a way to opt out.
Existential problems of this dignity are of course very difficult to “treat”. There’s no cure for “thinking too much”. I’ve tried adopting a more Buddhist way of seeing the world – to try to learn to “love the world as it is, and not as it ought to be”; to harbor compassion for all the poor souls who, like me, have been put on this earth without the necessary moral and ethical tools to be able to live in harmony with the world. And sometimes it works, for weeks and sometimes months I’m able to pity and love those who share the human fate, and forgive people for their ill deeds, no matter how vicious. Even the rapists, the murderers and the pedophiles in the end deserve compassion and forgiveness. This I know. But I can’t hold on to these thoughts for long. I just keep sinking back into misanthropy, cynicism and just the sensation of being so world weary that death seems to be the only way out. However, I go over things in my head far too much, and that tendency to over-analyze will probably keep me from ever daring to actually kill myself – if it’s not God’s verdict I’m fearing (even though I’m just an agnostic and not really a believer in any one specific religion) then it is fear of what my death would do to my friends and family, or how much a failed attempt would hurt physically (I’d rather be depressed on two legs rather than in a wheel chair).
Maybe “love” can keep away the darkest thoughts. Like, if I’m focused on love and the physical needs of this life, it might keep me occupied. But being a gay guy and very selective at that, I doubt I’ll find anyone. Lots of people show interest in me, but never the few ones I truly want. The guys I’m interested in always turn out to be straight. What triggered today’s sudden outburst of dark thoughts (after a relatively long period of being able to just cope with life and press on, in spite of the lack of meaning) was when a guy who I met at the gym and who’s really smart, fit, handsome, funny etc started talking about his girlfriend. I really thought he was interested in me, and I felt like a few rays of sunlight passed through the crowns of the trees, but now he’s “taken” and of course, there’s no more sunlight in my empty forest. Just me, sitting on some fallen tree trunk, contemplating what could motivate me to go on when there’s absolutely sense of meaning to anything anymore. To think that I must endure more or less an entire lifetime before this life ends naturally… Wow, makes me want to resign, lay down and just stare into the ceiling. I always think of a quote by Schopenhauer: “There is no doubt that life is given us, not to be enjoyed, but to be overcome; to be got over.“
3 comments
Wow. Another Schopenhauer fan. Nice. “After your death, you will become what you were before your birth”. My personal favorite, because it works on a couple of different levels. (Atheism & Buddhism)
ok then u sound like u dont get out much, but i agree with u mankind is stupid and i hate being human. why couldnt i be a cat or maybe a snake?
Life is just absurd, from every perspective. A waste of efforts, a hustle. Don’t take me as a hater, but if you ever get the chance have a look at the myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus. That’s pretty much how our existence as humans is. I am with you, where you mention, there is no cure for thinking too much. If you are still alive, would be nice to read something else from you.