You bleed just to know your alive.

  September 5th, 2011 by EmmaD

Today is the last day of summer. The weather seems appropriate, cold windy and gloomy.

I feel like every time i post something on here im at rock bottom and you can only go up from there. But yet here i am once again, posting something new. Today is the last day of summer, and im scared because i dont know what i want to do with my life. I feel like ive lost the will to succeed in my life. I just want to fast forward like 5 years of my life. I see my self as a sad person who i desperately want to help but i just dont know how. There is nothing more right now that i would want to do than to end my life today. The only things that are stopping me are my parents and my best friend. I can’t do that to them, I cant put them throught it. I know they love me, i know they do, but i just cant seem to feel it. I cant seem to feel anything anymore. I feel as if im lost in the world, just wandering around, desperately trying to hold onto something. I feel as if i am eventually just going to be a memory to some people, and it scares me.

I want to be happy again. My biggest problem is be, there is no one else to blame. I know i need to get help and talk to somone but i cant. All my life ive handled my problems on my own. I dont like to ask for help, i feel like i failed myself when i need to ask for help. Not a day goes by where i dont think about cutting myself. I used to cut myself 2 years ago and i havent cut in about 1 year. I still think about it. I’ll always have to think about it. I cant stand looking at my scars. It makes me remember everything every time i look at my wrist. I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. Trust me I know. And I think about it every day. Thanks for reading.

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