Today is the last day of summer. The weather seems appropriate, cold windy and gloomy.
I feel like every time i post something on here im at rock bottom and you can only go up from there. But yet here i am once again, posting something new. Today is the last day of summer, and im scared because i dont know what i want to do with my life. I feel like ive lost the will to succeed in my life. I just want to fast forward like 5 years of my life. I see my self as a sad person who i desperately want to help but i just dont know how. There is nothing more right now that i would want to do than to end my life today. The only things that are stopping me are my parents and my best friend. I can’t do that to them, I cant put them throught it. I know they love me, i know they do, but i just cant seem to feel it. I cant seem to feel anything anymore. I feel as if im lost in the world, just wandering around, desperately trying to hold onto something. I feel as if i am eventually just going to be a memory to some people, and it scares me.
I want to be happy again. My biggest problem is be, there is no one else to blame. I know i need to get help and talk to somone but i cant. All my life ive handled my problems on my own. I dont like to ask for help, i feel like i failed myself when i need to ask for help. Not a day goes by where i dont think about cutting myself. I used to cut myself 2 years ago and i havent cut in about 1 year. I still think about it. I’ll always have to think about it. I cant stand looking at my scars. It makes me remember everything every time i look at my wrist. I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. Trust me I know. And I think about it every day. Thanks for reading.
5 comments
My mother is the MAIN person holding me back… I have fucked up many of the relationships (friends) lately that I had.
I want to kill myself today… But I just remembered tomorrow is my mothers birthday.
It would be the worst birthday gift ever……… I took 2mg of xanax because the thought of me doing that to her was fucking me up inside.
I have calmed down now.
The scars are horrible to look at.
If you need to talk to someone, you can email me anytime @ solid_snake090@hotmail.com
There is no shame in asking for help, dear. Your pride can be your worst enemy. Since you don’t want to hurt your parents or friend, why go on miserable when medication might help. Please consider seeing a doctor or counselor.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Yesterday I realized how much my family cares for me. They are my best friends. I lost a lot of people because of my depression and suicidal thoughts. But i know that i can always rely on my family. And the days are rough and it s hard sometimes. My mother starred at me yesterday with her teary eyes and told me about all the sick children ( she works in a hospital) she sees everyday, how they fight to survive. She asked me why did i stop fighting, because i have everything i could wish in my life. She was right. We need to make it through. Cause life contains all this crazy things, and without it we would not grow stronger. So don t give up.
We share some things in common.
I deal, and cope, entirely by myself. But not out of pride. For one, although I do have people who care about me, they they have nothing to offer me in terms of what I need. I don’t like therapy, in a formal or informal setting (such as with friends/family). I don’t share my feelings easily, and I never will. I’m a pretty insightful person, pretty well-aware, and I can’t stand to hear platitudes — and it is all platitudes, for me at least. The only person even remotely capable of offering the sort of support to which I might be receptive is my mom, and she’s been dead for about 15 years now.