you know when you tell someone something, in hopes that it could make a slight difference? but it comes back to bite you in the ass? only making it worse than it was? i’ve made that mistake one time too many. it created problems with the person that i told. and now all said person can do is fucking worry about me and go tell someone else about me “talking crazy again”. no. no. no. it only makes it worse. because i don’t need that person to come and check on me to see that i’m fine. and ask if i’m ohkay. because obviously i am not. and then to make things worse, people say, oh, i know what you’re going through, or i’ve been in your shoes, or i know how you feel. to a certain extent, maybe. like someone could tell me they’ve been in my shoes in the sense that they too have wanted to kill themselves before.. but did you feel exactly as i felt when i wanted to? no. i know what you’re going through? no. you may know in the sense that i’ve told you what i’m going through. but don’t be so fucking vague about what you mean. because in all honesty, you haven’t been through the same shit that i have. and i’m not talking about all people as a collective whole right now. i AM talking about certain people. so don’t assume i’m being rude towards everyone. i’m just done. telling people things. at least people that can make an immediate change. if that makes sense. someone that can do something ab0ut it right away. it puts stress on them and even more on me. maybe i will survive if i continue to write on here. but, we’ll see.
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Do you tell people you know personally or people that are a little… more distant? There is a difference as I am sure you know. You do seem very smart. You know what is best for you.
But please do not let past people stop you from seeking someone to lay some burden on. There are people out here that will listen and not freak. Someone who will always be with you.
Atleast thats how I am… I cant say for everyone.
i used to tell someone that i personally knew that would always listen. and just talking to him made me forget about it, ya know? and then i lost contact with him and i want to talk to him again. but i don’t just want to be like, hey, i want to kill myself. and that be the reason i’m talking to him. so, i don’t really know. lately, it’s been people who i know personally and are in a very close vicinity to where i am.
which i feel was a bad idea. and i prefer to talk to people who are more distant. people like, on here. i found this site and before i only read what people have written. then it was decided that i needed to get an account. and it feels good to just let it all out. ya know? and there’s people who just pass certain posts and then there’s people who actually read it. THEN, there’s the people who actually leave a comment on it. and you don’t have to bother telling someone and them being all, fucking, whatever you don’t WANT them to be like. idk. kinda just rambling now.
Rambling but making perfect sense.
Maybe with your old friend.. you should reconnect and wait for the depressing stuff later on. Like start slow. Know what I mean?
And I try to comment on here with people the best I can… I know I skip a couple here and there. Everyone needs help – needs someone to talk to. I try to be that someone.
i do know what you mean. it’s just been a while. and i feel as if he got rid of his phone number. maybe i’m making up excuses not to. (could unconsciously be doing it. but it can’t really be unconsciously because i’m consciously thinking about it. sorry. rambling.)
you’re a good person.
It just makes me feel better if I can make someone feel better. It helps distract me from wanting to end myself.
So idk if I am doing it for myself or others… Maybe my own self doubt and loathing is telling me its just for myself. Just another reason to dislike myself.
Idk man.
But I can tell you are nervous about contacting him, whatever the reason. 🙂
You’re a good person too
haha. is it That obvious? he’s one of those people who know almost everything about me and what i’ve been through and what i’ve done. and he still loves me. idk why i am. lol.
it’s a good way to distract yourself. and, even if you’re doing it for yourself, you still make others feel better while you’re doing it.
Any chance you two being more than… friends? If you catch my winky winky drift
haha. a little too late for that. i had a chance. yet another mistake i’ve made. GRRRRRR.
The funny thing about love is it is never too late. If that person has even an ounce of romantic love still left for you – there is a chance.
And on the other side – hearts are always opened up for new love. Meaning the love is always searching. You will not always be alone.
you’re like a poet man. 😛
no, i’m a lucky one actually. even though it’s not Love like that, i’ve always had a twin sister right there with me.
Lol sorry it comes from writing poetry quite often.
And I am glad you do have someone with you. Even if it is not romantic… Love is love 😀
I have a big brother who is trying to get closer to me after everything that has happened to me in the last few months.
He use to beat me up… now he is trying to hang. It is funny 😛
mmm. i love poetry. and that’s the usual form i write in as well.
that is kinda funny. but, there’s still that unconditional love there, right?
Soaked in tears
The scars run up and down your arm
It reminds you of all those years
Pain, suffering, loneliness
They introduced you to the knife
To have the pain bleed out of your body
Every drop for every tear you have shed
But your body is still so perfect to me
And you can never cut away that beauty
My demons are my own
They slither on the edge of the blade
Silently whispering my past and its regrets
All my fears, all my failures
They bleed out from my wrist
But inside I know they will return
I only want to see how soaked I can make the floor
In my sick twisted way I like the sight of the blood
Just another failure
My failure to be normal
But we see passed that in each other
You don’t see the black that has consumed my heart
And I don’t see the way life has torn yours apart
We only see the love and beauty from within
This eternal flower will never wither and die
And its pedals will remain strong forever
For we see the beauty in each other
That no one else can see
I love poetry too… that one isn’t very good at all. I just had an urge to share a random one with you.
I post mine online, do you? I’d like to read some of yours 🙂
i love that actually. <3 and i can kind of relate. which makes poetry even better. (kinda like when you feel a song was written for your life.)
and i would deff love to read more of yours. i don't usually post online. i've thought about it. but i feel like mine suck. sometime, i will have to share with you. :]
lol most of us think our own art sucks. I know I do. I mean I have been featured on sites and put into my old highschool poetry book but I still hate most of what I come up with
And yes I agree, sometime you will have to share it. And I would love to share more with you.
this is very true. i knew this girl who drew anime that looked quite professional. and she always brought herself down. but it was beautiful and made me jealous. 😛
I use to draw anime when I was like 11 and watched Dragonball Z and stuff
ahhhhhh the good ol’ days!
I took Art. Cause i was told that i would get to draw a naked woman. I got apple.
that’s funny.
anddddd, i still watch dragonball z. 😛
and, i still draw. my sister discourages me though. she’s better.
I am watching dbz right now on youtube… wow
You rule 😛
I hate apple’s. got it out still i’m scard.
you hate apples? i hate.. bologna. :O
and, fuckyeah! haha. people make fun of me for that. cause i’m part asian.
I hate bologna… cause i am vegetarian 😛
im all white. I have native american in me too but you cant really tell.
Ok i’m what’s bologna? Cause i dont know? Tell me.
lol bolony
@protoryu, ohyay! vegetarian! i’m not.. but i do like tofu. lol. and vegan food.
@donnie, if you’re serious, bolgna is lunch meat. i don’t like it.
@TC, is that really how you spell it?
no you guys have the correct spelling for it. its a german meat pronounced bolony but spelled bologna.
i was about to say, i’m not that dumb. :O
What
bolgna is pronounced bolony. and i thought i spelt it wrong. and apparently it’s a German meat. (that of which i never knew.)
i could be wrong on the german thing
@leaky your not suicidal. Why you here?
damn way to judge man….
just kiddin
wow. are you fucking serious. i can’t try and have a normal conversation? ALL FUCKING DAY all i think about is fucking suicide and i want to have a normal fucking conversation with someone for once? FUCK YOU. wanna see what i’ve been through.? go to another fucking post i wrote. it’s called if anyone cares. i was fucking raped 2 times. and my fucking mom’s ex-boyfriend and current husband fucking touched me a way that no fucking person in that situation or at their fucking age should. i’ve cut since i was 13. and i attempted to kill myself with an overdose. epic fail. about a week ago i almost walked in front of a fast moving fucking train and i would have succeded in my plans if it weren’t for someone pulling up next to me and pulling me into the vehicle. fuck you have a nice day.
you have no idea what i’ve been through in life and you have no fucking idea how i feel. you do not fucking know me. do not fucking assume shit you fucking ASSHOLE!
and way to call yourself dumb leaky
Your no victim hum. Most people here are and for real. So you fuck all you want.
Donnie – just shut the shit up man. You type like cracked out little ***** high on shrooms. Who the fuck are you man? Seriously? You get hard fucking with people on here?
You need to grow up my brother.
cracked out little ***** on shrooms………..that made my day