14 years old and I have tried to kill myself 5 times

  October 24th, 2011 by Bells

My name is Isabella, but almost everyone calls me bells. I am 14 years old and i have tried to kill myself 5 times. The first was when i was 6 and it was by trying to hang myself. The second was when i was 8 and it was by trying to drown myself. The third one was when i was 9 and it was by trying to stab myself. The fourth one was last year and i tried to kill myself with an overdose of painkillers. The last one was saturday, i tried to jump to my death. My life is hell for me. I never met my father because he abandoned me when i was about 8 months. I came to this country when i was a year old and all my family stayed in the country i lived before. I’ve never met any of my other family members besides my grandfather and aunt. My mother hates me. She has threatened to kill me, has tried to kill me, and use to abuse me a lot. She has said im worthless, stupid, and just a burden. I’ve had 2 stepfathers. The first one use to try to wrap sheets around me so i couldnt breathe. I would scream a lot because i was claustorphobic and it would scare me. The second one and the current one has hit me a lot. He says im a bastard and that im not his therefore he treats me differently then my 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Which one of my brothers is 4 and has had 3 open heart surgeries while the other has a mental disorder. My other sister is treated better because she is my stepfathers while my last sister i have never met because she is my father’s daughter. All my siblings are half-blood siblings. My stepfather’s brother sexually molested me when i was about 8 or 9. I havent told anyone because i have always been scared. About 2 years ago i watched my best friend paul explode in the army after a car with bombs rolled by the area he was patroling. 4 years ago i went out with a guy who cheated on me, lied to me, and used me for 3 years. About 2 weeks ago i broke up with a guy who i went out with for over a year. He was my best friend who helped all the pain go away. Now i dont have anybody to make the pain go away. Im bullied at school because i am small and because im unpopular. I dont want to live anymore with this pain that is killing me, i just want it to go away. My best friends have tried to help me but the feeling of kill myself still wont go away. I know i am suppose to hope for better but i just cant take it anymore. ive fought so hard for 14 years. I cut myself once after being abused by my stepfather, ever since i havent. I dont know what to do anymore but i just want the pain to go away….

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