October 3rd, 2011 by not here

I literally have nothing to do now. Dislocated my shoulder in the first game of the season, and hockey is the one thing that takes my mind off everything, the one thing I truly love doing. Now I can’t play for 12 weeks. I also can’t play my instruments, my xbox or go running. The three other hobbies I have. Fuck. This sucks. It’s also half of the $500 I spent for the season. Not that I really care though. I have too much money anyways. I have no need for it. But I’ve got my codeine now and I’m pretty high on it right now. So there’s a plus. It’s a pretty cool feeling, but I can’t take this many too often since the acetominophen in it can fuck your liver, and I need them to last because the pain can get pretty bad.
Before they put it back in it’s socket the nurse gave me an iv but did something wrong and I bled so much. It was a pretty cool experience actually. I couldn’t feel it at all because the shoulder hurt so much, but I looked over and blood was just pouring down my wrist over my hand and onto the floor. It was so dark in the middle where it’s concentrated yet so bright on the edge of the stream. God it’s beautiful when I bleed. I think she noticed the scars on my wrist, but thankfully I stopped cutting there a while ago so they couldn’ve been anything and didn’t raise suspicion.
Anyways, fuck I’m high. I wish I could feel like this more often. I can think of the things that make me sad, but it just doesn’t really hit me. It’s nice. Not nearly as good as mushrooms, but certainly better than weed or alcohol. I know that makes it sound like I’m some junkie drug addict, but I’m not. Just in case someone I know reads this, there’s no need to worry about that, although you probably wouldn’t anyways.
God I wish I could skip these three months. I just want to play again. I need the release. Badly. I need to be able to do more than watch tv by myself all day. It’s fucking pathetic just like me. But I guess bad things happen to bad people, so I shouldn’t be so upset since I probably deserve all of this.

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