October 3rd, 2011 by goldenage

I’ll be honest. The worst should have passed already. I mean, just last year I wore one pair of cloths like a religion and cut twice a day. It was so hard for my to get out of that, my mother died when I was 2 and my dad is hopeless. It’s wrong to say but I hate my sister, she is genuinely a bad person and I can’t stand her. None of my friends noticed, and I stopped going out with them anyway. 

That was hard. But it’s been a while since then, I own more cloths, but not much more self confidence. I don’t believe in being a copy of everyone else, so I’m not upset that I’m not a supper model, I’m upset that I can’t make up my mind. At least if I thought I was ugly, useless and fat I would know just how I felt. But I can never seem to proses this, I don’t know weather I like or hate myself anymore. And I think I know why. My favorite uncle died about a year ago, I was cutting before that, but his death blew me out of the water. I few months ago, one of my only remaining uncles was diagnosed with cancer. My other uncle is an alcoholic, which stresses my dad out, which makes him yell at me more. I’m afraid he might have another heart attack and die this time, he’s had 4 already. The one family member I don’t want in my life won’t take the hint to fuck off. My sister has never been anything but a burden to me and my dad. She’s 21 and refuses to get a job. I can’t stand her. 

My friends are alright. I can relate to them sometimes and I know they care about me… I don’t have a hard time socializing but I find myself not wanting to a lot. I meet a guy a while ago and he and I hit it off, don’t get me wrong, he’s a brother to me, but sometimes if I try to talk to him when he’s around some of his other “popular” friends he’s ashamed of me. And he knows how bad I can get. It’s like, were only best friends when it’s convenient for him. I want to cut a lot. I have, since that bad year, cut a few times, but only a few. It’s kind of like it was in the start, I’m afraid. I find myself reaching for the safety pin, instead if the knife tough, which is better. I think? I won’t recycle, I won’t let it happen again.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve run out of things to google or read or say. I just don’t know. I just have a habit of feeling nothing. And that’s what I feel like, a nothing.

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