October 28th, 2011 by drowningagain

My name is Holly i’m 22 & i feel so lost.  I’ve been lost for over 5 years now and I just don’t know what to do every year it seems like i’m sinking deeper and deeper and that i’ll never be able to keep my head above water.  I tried to kill myself for the first time this summer I don’t know how to feel that i failed.  They say i’m lucky that this is my new begining, sometimes it feels like i failed at everything else so of course i failed at that to.

I miss feeling clean and good this feeling of dirtiness and sinking is never going to go away.  I thought i found someone who made it better someone who loved me after everything i thought i found the love of my life.  But we’ve been together over a year and he doesn’t love me.  When he found out I was in the psych ward for trying to kill myself he didn’t come see me instead he told me he needed time to think and that he would text me when he had figured it all out. I know he would never fight for me, all i am is a way to pay the bills he never puts me first and he never does anything thoughtful or romantic anymore.  Even our sex life is dying, i don’t even want to have sex anymore.  I feel trapped between loving him and leaving but i don’t know how to leave.  I’ve never been very good at leaving because i’m weak even when i know someone is bad for me or isn’t treating me well i stay.  I have lost all self worth I have nothing left to give everything has been taken and i feel broken.  I just miss the old me but it’s been so long since i’ve been myself i don’t know how to get back to me.  My heart is bleeding every night my dreams are filled with sadness, and fear and i wake up alone sometimes i wake up and don’t even want to fall back asleep because i don’t want another bad dream.

 

I feel like i’ve lost everything my whole world is crumbling the cracks are to deep to hide.  Since trying to kill myself i’ve been forced to move back home but thing’s have been so bad between my mother and i that i can’t stay here and yet i have no where to go.  I wish i could tell my friends but i’m afraid they would all think i’m crazy or that the last thing they need to hear is my problems.

 

I work for my parents but their not paying the money they owe and i need the money so i can get the fuck away from here I wish i knew how to be happy again… but happiness seems like such a distant memory

 

 

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