I say in some senses because I’m a newbie to the site, but certainly not a newbie in the whole suicide shindig. It’s something that is constantly racing through my mind, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t have my little fantasies once and awhile. This has been going on for about one, perhaps two, years. I don’t really know, nor do I care. All I know is that my life has been a blur–an endless, grandiose blur–one that I am ready to depart. I just can’t bring myself to correspond with life anymore.
Now, this isn’t me announcing that I will be killing myself tonight. I plan to do it on News Years Eve, in fact. I’ve been (well, I’m going to) doing a video log of my last days. It’s been quite introspective and nostalgic, which is something I’m quite glad about. I want to be content with myself on my dying day. Checking out with unresolved problems and unsaid opinions would be pointless, no? Besides, I want to make myself a prominent memory. It doesn’t have to be a fond one; just a driving force in itself. I know my family will be affected (especially my brother) by my death, but my narcissistic side wants to be missed by all. Perhaps that is my Borderline talking, but nonetheless it is my subjective feelings on the matter. I’m also fully aware on how selfish the act of me killing myself is, but I’ve always known myself to be a selfish being.
I can’t say I’m going to do it because I’m unhappy. Well, maybe it’s because I’m happy. I dunno; is this barren and grey unhappiness? I don’t understand. I’ve never understood emotions, and I’m thinking I don’t want to. I’m going to do it because I feel nothing. Also, because I know I’ll end up hurting someone in the future if I don’t. I never said my little fantasies were limited to suicide.
In any case, I believe that is a melodramatic enough opening! Quite proud of it, really. I bet most of you have grown a certain distaste for me already. I don’t blame you; a lot do. As for my name, I will request to go be the name Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.
3 comments
Au contraire. I find your straightforwardness relating to the ambivalence of your motivations refreshing.
I don’t get it. Will you kill yourself because you are happy?
right there with you. thinking between 13th – 24th dec. Trying not to be a narcicist.