A post too long and not worth reading.

  October 8th, 2011 by MB

Thursday, January 13th. 2011.
Atleast for a week now it’s been going on. The dreams. Dreams of stress. Dreams of the worst things my mind can think of. I’m far too young to feel the way I do about alot of things, but that’s how it is. These dreams are showing how I try not to feel. In these dreams, my mind is being jolted. Over and over. For years now I’ve felt no sort of deep love, no sort of tenderness. Any sort of love I recieve, true or not, I can’t feel because of what’s happened. It shouldn’t be this way. My dreams are showing this. I feel the need to write this down at the risk of losing my mind. The earliest of the dreams I can remember consist of being Massachusetts. The reasoning behind that setting is because of the imprint it left in my mind. In this dream Katie was there, of course. I feel like she is creeping in to my mind and destroying anything I have left. I gave more than my “heart” to her. I sacrificed who I was over her. I hate her for it, but I hate myself for doing it even more. As this dream goes on, I’m running all over the place, trying to keep up with whoever else was there. Through snow. The most memorable part of the dream was an old barn with a bed in the top. It was similair to the one at my Grandfathers house. I slept in the loft in it, in my dream.

The majority of my dreams have been consisting of tornado’s lately. This is obvious as it could get. Tornado’s usually show up in dreams when you’re around someone, or some situation that is completely random and irrational. A real tornado would do whatever it wanted, given the mind to. It would tear through things, destroy lives, destroy families, and kill people. In my case the tornado makes me feel an intense sensation of worry, terror and even anger. Lindsey is in every tornado related dream. In the dream she’s so sweet, she’s so loving. As the tornado in my dream comes, she fades and dissapears. Then I’m left with a whirlwind of destruction on a war-path. This is much similair to reality. I love her, I love her when she’s sweet and normal. But something happens sometimes, something that there’s nothing I can do to stop. I’ve found that this “tornado” comes out the most when I’m nice to her, or if I offer to help with anything. If I’m a complete asshole to her, she seems to go dormant, submissive. If I show her kindness, the tornado will come out and I will get whiplashed for my offer, or suggestion. All I want is for her to not take things out toward me. Her reasoning is completely obvious. Being raised by who she was, she can’t, and will never “get over” anything. She was raised on a grudge and it was not her fault, I understand this. When she was young, her dad would give her lectures of the grudges he held toward her mother, he would over react over small things and he would do many things of that sort. However, this is not a full excuse. I can’t just take “my dad wasn’t perfect” and expect to be 100% feelingless towards her attitude toward me. My father was not loving towards me, my mother tried but she was more concerned with her past. She’s stuck in the past and will never come out. I do care for her, but I’ll never be able to do more than offer reasonable support when she needs it. I have always wanted someone to love me in some sort of stable manner, but I’ve yet to find that. I had no “mothers love”. I had to deal with a mother’s obsession. Maybe it’s just love that I want. Maybe I try to cover it up by saying “it’s ok.”, or making a joke, or even being plain cruel. Maybe that’s why Katie has been showing up in my dreams, sparking that sense of love and compassion that I do not have in my waking life. She did love me, but I was too immature to give it back. Maybe that’s why Massachusetts is so imprinted in to my feeble brain.

What I’ve told people is never the real story. No one knows it but me. I’m too afraid to face what I did, so I have built up a false-reality to rely on. A false reality of being good at everything I do. A false reality of being a great musician. A false reality of being the victim. When I left Massachusetts, it was because Katie’s mother found out she was pregnant. I had zero say in the matter of my leaving. I was only 16 and had no idea how to deal with something that crushing. I did quit school, I did try to work to support a family. That part is true. My plan was to try to prove myself a half decent man, so that her mother would let me be a part of Katie, and my childs life. In the United States, the father has no say in anything whatsoever unless she brings up visitation rights, so I felt that I needed to prove myself desperately. I was working, and looking towards getting my GED. I was on the phone with her one night, and her mother walks in to her room, I hear her in the background yelling about how I’m “nothing but a useless sperm dispenser”. Again, I was only 16, I was working and trying to get myself educated. I was trying to make what had happened work with everything in me. Shortly after, I told Katie that I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that was through, done. She responded with that she would always love me. I broke her heart that day, and it was on that day that she decided that I do not exist. I guess that’s what I deserve for not persisting. I guess that’s why she’s creeping in to my dreams. She’s the literal embodiment of guilt. Guilt and regret. I wish I could feel what I need in my waking life, not a nightmarish form of what could have been.

I’m always paranoid these days. Paranoid of the way I look, who I talk to, the way I speak, the way I walk, what people are thinking, what people are doing, why people do what they do. I’m always thinking. I’m thinking until my head hurts. There’s never a moment I’m not thinking. This is something that I cannot help. It happened when who I used to be dissapeared. I remember it clearly. I was laying in bed. My birthday was next week. As I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I realize what has become of me, what has become of my life. I realized what I would be carrying with me for the rest of my life because of my decisions. Because of my desperate search to be loved. I got what I wanted, but in turn for the year of having it, I had to give it up completely, forever. It’s like having the worlds only Oreo, then knowing you’ll never have another unless you create one on your own. I’m trying to create my own Oreo the best I can. I love Lindsey, I love her with everything that I have left. I feel bad every day because what I have left isn’t much. I’m trying every day to make what I have grow, hoping that the feeling will develope. I feel guilty for not having the literal ability to give what I could have. I want to give Lindsey the world, because she loves me in the way I wanted. I want to let her feel at peace. She’s stressed so often, stressed, worried or upset. It just happens so easily. She’s BiPolar and doesn’t believe it. Even if I can get her to admit that she’s has the symptoms, she refuses to get checked out. I just want her to be happy, but trying to let her be happy without giving her kindness is a difficult task. How can one show someone their affection for them without being kind? A simple “I love you” is nice, but it does not cut it. This, I’m still trying to figure out.

The last thing on my mind is Lindsey’s sexuality. This has been worrying me for a long time now. Before me, she was promiscuous, flirty and horny, to be honest. When I met her she had a little “online boyfriend”, but even though he was in the picture, she still slowly moved to me. She’d flirt with me, make moves towards me, all sorts of things. When we first got together, she was still this way. I instantly regretted being with her. She was not “wife material” to be blunt. She’d be on drugs, 3 dfiferent boyfriends at the same time, sex-hungry and nympho-like 24/7. As soon as she moved in with me, it seems that that changed. For the longest time it seemed like she was more promiscuous with strangers than even me! And to be completely honest I still feel this way. I don’t want to feel that way about her, but I do. In my mind I want more than anything for her to be my innocent, loving girlfriend. But no matter how hard I try, she’s not. When I met her she told me that she’s never cheated on anyone in her life, recently she told me I’m the only one she hasn’t cheated on. I remember things. Mainly things people have said. My mind is always going, always racing, always mentally taking notes of everything around me. She doesn’t remember what she’s said to me. I remember every word. Here are the pro’s and cons of trying to be with her thus far; CONS: I get treated like dirt after accidentally being nice, I get scolded if I offer advice or help, I feel unloved a large majority of the time and I cannot trust someone who has changed the story on what they’ve done multiple times. PROS: VERY OCCASIONAL sex. Almost feeling that sense of love that I want more than anything sometimes. I think if I cared more about myself, I wouldn’t let things go this way. I’m at a loss with my life, but I’ve noted it more-so than mentally this time. Everything is truth. Not any sort of fiction world I’ve lead myself to believe I live in. I’m gonna go have a smoke.

Lindsey cheated on me

Sunday, January 30th, 2011.
Throughout the day a slow creeping feeling of what sleeps in the back of my mind has been coming on. At this point, it’s 5:34 AM. I’ll admit I’m tired but I’ve been much more exhausted before. I hate to sleep because of what people hide behind your back. There’s always something. There’s always little things woven between the bricks and boards that fuse together to create the house and structure of life. The structure is based on faults and cracks. Faults and cracks that are on the inside, faults you can’t see unless you really get in there and look. If you actually find the guts to get in there and look, all you find is half dead squirming termites and beetles. You watch as they sit there and writhe in their disgusting slime and filth, but life is thus, you remove them as much as you want, they will come back unless you move houses. My mind has been reverting back to it’s old habbits as of late. Every second my mind isn’t occupied it’s clinging and hanging on to things from years ago. I don’t think my brain can handle the reasoning of others at the time. The reasoning of another that made the fault-line to start the break. The one before Katie, before anyone. As my mind goes back in to it’s little dark places, I realize why every time more and more. For the time being my mother and step-father are cringing at the thought of eachother, smearing on that fake grin. A fake grin that gives off the same aura of happiness you would see in a retirement home. A shitty one where they know they’re prone for death at any moment. I confine myself to my room until I move to Oregon, keeping myself out of their situation for as long as possible. As I confine myself in to my room Lindsey seems to become less loving and more irrational by the day. My heart cannot handle that, but being as damaged as it is I don’t think it even shows enough. My sense of helplessness comes out in my dreams daily. I can’t calm her. I’m going to go smoke.

May 16th, 2001.
The nightmares have been worse lately. Alot worse. Monsters, Death, Murder, Horror and of course, no nightmare would be complete without Kristen. I dreamt of her again for the millionth time last night. I was about to play a show for my current band, Space Vikings, and apparently Stephen said she needed a place to stay that very day so I was desperatly trying to contact Stephen, even one of his friends, about trying to let her come stay with me. I felt like if she came to a show she’d be somehow impressed with me and I’d finally have her. In reality that would not work even in the slightest. Lindsey was freely talking to Neil recently. She looked so happy, so ridiculously happy. She’d deny it instantly but expressions don’t lie. Every single day is a mental battle trying to forget Kristen, but it’s so easy for her to just talk to him like it’s nothing. The double standards are incredibly wrong. Lindsey has been going behind my back, lying, lying and lying more. She claims to have stopped now but of course, old habits die hard. My heart is deadened and yearning for feeling, unfortunately Kristen is the only person who makes it feel. I can understand the concept of love, the concept of happiness with another but I do not FEEL it. She waltzes in to my dreams and lets me feel it over and over and I awake saddened and pained, knowing the one person I’ve loved from the age of 12 knows not of my existence. I’m engaged to Lindsey now. I love her, truly and honestly, but she loves her self just enough more to lie to me and cover her tracks. I really don’t know what I’m going to do about these nightmares.

July 13th, 2011.
Why wouldn’t she love me back? I’ll never stop trying to make myself in to what is needed.
“I really hope that in the future you are going to realize that she is never going to be there for you and you can accept that. It’s almost impossible for you to just snap your fingers and fix everything, but that never happens. I hope you find another girl to replace this girl that you have feelings for since 12. I think untill you do that you are going to try to exert this fantastic confidence wherever you go. Thats not necessarily a bad thing, but its going to eat you up on the inside.” – Anonymous Psych major.

August 31st, 2011.
I’d just like Lindsey to be nice to me. Everyone around knows the secret, but doesn’t know who’s it is, or that it’s a secret at all. The secret shows the feelings I cannot. The feelings of being afraid, of being frail, of being in need of love. The feeling of wanting to be held. The feeling of having a used up heart. Thoughts of suicide have been becoming more and more reasonable lately. It’s becoming the best option.

October 8th, 2011.
It’s October. That means of course that it’s Amiee’s Birthday. My precious daughter is another year older. I love her so dearly and she doesn’t even know. Every single day that passes I know that I’ve missed something.

I missed the second she opened her eyes.
I missed her learn to crawl. I missed her learn her first word.
I missed her take her first steps.
I’ll miss her first day of School.
I’ll miss her first A+.
I’ll miss her first sleepover.
I’ll miss when she starts using make-up.
I’ll miss when she gets her first crush.
I’ll miss when she finds her first boyfriend.
I’ll miss her graduation.
I’ll miss her Marriage.
I’ll miss her life.

I want to kill myself so badly but I can’t bring myself to do it. No one else around me understands right now. No one knows how badly I wish to die. They likely wouldn’t even suspect it. It’s always the quiet ones that really do it I suppose. If there is any cause for me whatsoever, please let finding this show everyone. Let it show everyone that will listen. Let it show them that it’s always ok to ask if someone is ok. Just sittPLEASE HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I CAN’T BECAUSE I’VE BEEN LIED TO, ABUSED, MENTALLY FUCKED, CHEATED ON AND SCREWED OVERing and listening and letting someone tell you what’s wrong, without giving critisism or advice, can stop someone from killing themselves. My heart is broken.

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