Alone..

I’m new here, was browsing the internet and found this place, so hola. I’m really just looking for people to talk to, there aren’t many people in my life that I feel comfortable talking to about this kind of stuff. Dunno where I really feel like starting, I’ve been through some stuff in the past year, from me and my gf of 3 years breaking up a week before I planned on proposing, to my cousin dying in a car crash in March. But the most recent one, and the one that really prompted me to posting on here, was my recent breakup. An old high school friend and I finally started dating this summer, we’d talked about it before but had never been able to make it happen. Her and her 2 year old son moved to my city to be with me, and at first everything was great. All I’d wanted for some time was to have a family to call my own, wife kids the whole package, and we had that for a while. We moved super quick, got a place together within two months,talked about marriage, etc. But things quickly went down hill, to the point where she was about to move back to her hometown without me, until we found out she was pregnant. Everything turned around then, we were happy again for a few weeks. But eventually things went downhill again, with the impending pregnancy we moved back to her hometown so her family was there for support, and we eventually broke up shortly after the move. To add to it, shortly after that we found out that she had a miscarriage, and wouldn’t be having our child. So within a month or so I went from having the family I always wanted, even though her son wasn’t mine I treated him just like he was, with a child of my own on the way to being alone. She’s moved on to someone else now, and I’m stuck in the past. I’m depressed often, and very rarely have energy to do anything. And while I’ve thought about suicide off and on for the past 6 months, mostly before me and my ex started dating, with it reaccuring again lately, I don’t think I could ever do it. I’ve thought about how I would, but after witnessing first hand how the death of a child affects the parents I’m not sure I could ever put my family through that again. It doesn’t keep me from contemplating it though. I feel like I’m going to die alone, and that I don’t deserve to be happy and to have a family.

Thanks to anyone who cared to read