I was involuntarily committed to a psych ward about 6 months ago. I feel tremendous anger, humiliation and shame that this happened to me. So far I’ve made three serious suicide attempts while reliving the feelings from that experience. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by terror that I could lose my freedom again. When I was first released from the hospital, I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I try to avoid going to the part of town where the hospital is located. I left the country for three months and the main motivation I had for returning was to be able to commit suicide in the comfort of my own home. I tell no one of my suicide attempts or the waves of rage, terror and despair that overcome me on a fairly regular basis. I absolutely refuse to have any contact with mental health professionals or to take any medication.
6 comments
How does the process work?
I for the first time in my life saw a therapist. I was lonely more than anything as I knew that as lively as she was she could not fix me or relieve my pain.
If I was committed to change and healing myself, she could, but I don’t want to. I’ve no strength. I’m empty and dead on the inside. I told her that after all that’s happened I do not want to live. She was sympathetic even empathetic, but obliged I’m afraid to tell my doctor. I hate doctors!!!! I watched them mis diagnose my mother three times and she died based on their poor performance. She woud have had a chance if only they had had more time to treat the whole person! Not fitting her in to some 15 mins slot for symptomatic diagnosis. So you see they are fuckers and I don’t trust them.
Now my doctor calls me and has asked twice for me to pop in for a chat.
What do I do? I do not want meds and intervention. I just want to talk honestly and openly with people who understand, don’t judge and can maybe offer advice. That is why I am here, amongst good people just people who life has dealt a shit hand.
How do I avoid intervention? How do I find advice on ending my pain.
I’m ready, intelligent and I have considered all options.
Where do I go from here?
@54321c – Alright looks like you got yourself in a right 2 and 8, but not to worry.
Right now looks like the doctors have got tabs on you.
Now I suggest you drop their guard a little, by saying things are improving slowly, the next time your doctor calls tell him that things are improving, but make it seem realisitic, id est.
If you siad a day ago that you were sevrely depressed and then the next day you say the depression has completely gone, then he will get suspious, thinking “depression does not end just like that, it is a gradual thing”
So just say things are gradually improving, do not make that massive jump from sevre depression to sunshine and rainbows.
Oh and the next time he calls you in to check up on you, ask him to make a suicide contract, id est, it is an agreement not to think about suicide for X amount of time (usually 24 hours)
This contract drops their guard in to thinking that you will call when you feel suicidal.
This is optinal ofcorse it is good to do ones research first.
http : // en.wikipedia.org / wiki / Suicide_contract
Oh and about the suicide well, I have a massive collection of stuff on Megaupload, it includes Geo Stone SUicide and Attempted Suicide, and lots of other stuff, including films, saved webpages and guides.
It saves the time of hunting around for Final Exit or Suicide Manual.
Here is the link
http : // http://www.megaupload.com / ?d=M77III3C
Just get rid of the spaces. 😀
Hi 54321c,
The laws about involuntary commitment vary by state, so look yours up. The standards often revolve around dangerousness to self or others. My state’s law says that if you made a threat to commit suicide or mutilate yourself AND took “overt action in furtherance of the intended action” within the past 30 days you can be committed. Writing a suicide note can be considered overt action. In my case, the mistake was admitting to an ER doc that I had picked up a gun and thought about committing suicide before coming to a personal decision to commit myself to medication and treatment instead. The doctors believe that suicidal people are not in control of their actions and act accordingly.
It is possible to be forcibly taken to a hospital for evaluation by police, but that wasn’t my situation so I can’t tell you how that works. When I was on the psych ward, I met a number of people who were technically there on a voluntary basis but practically speaking their situation was no different than mine. Once you are in the system, the treatment team can change your status from voluntary to involuntary very easily.
So, my advice to you is to be very careful about saying anything to anyone that could be interpreted as a threat to yourself. I realize this makes it virtually impossible to openly and honestly deal with suicidal thoughts in a therapeutic setting. There may be therapists out there who will make a commitment to you not to use coercive psychiatric practices including involuntary commitment, but it’s a matter of trust. The risk is yours to take if you think the treatment will help you in some way. But, understand that the law does not protect you. A lawyer I spoke with told me that mental health patients in this country have fewer rights than criminals without a doubt.
This post has gotten long, so I’m going to start a separate reply talking about the things that have actually helped me feel better in dealing with some of the same types of suffering you describe.
Hi again 54321c,
Here are some of the things that have helped me cope with living in between failed suicide attempts. Maybe it will give you some ideas for yourself.
1. Exercise every day, including cardio every time and weights most days. 2-3 times/week isn’t enough for me, it has to be at least 6 times/week most weeks. This makes a huge difference. Huge. The biggest single thing that’s ever helped me. By itself exercise doesn’t make me not suicidal, but it certainly helps with the depression.
2. Finding a community to be a part of through a social/political action group.
3. Volunteering. Similar to #2. In my case not on a person-to-person basis, as that’s stressful for me, but by offering professional advice for free.
4. Not letting myself think about the things that set me off. These days, for me, that’s anything to do with psychiatrists and the hospital that violated me. It’s not always possible to stop the flood of thoughts but sometimes it is. And I know that those thoughts will deteriorate quickly into an emotional meltdown, so if the timing is inconvenient (like I’m standing in line at the supermarket) I sometimes just squelch those thoughts and find something else to distract me. When I’m trying to commit suicide, of course, I let those thoughts have free rein.
5. Finding something to look forward to that takes place in the future.
Also, when using forums like this to vent suicidal feelings honestly, use disposable email addresses and anonymizing software so that none of it can be traced back to you. Sites like this one do log your IP address, which could potentially be used to locate you. Did anyone read the article about the woman who tweeted her suicide plans to Demi Moore and ended up with the police at her door to take her in for psychiatric evaluation? Be smart, people, and take precautions.
@live free or die – Oh, was there…intresting.
I remeber reading the “In defense of ASH” document on Ashspace archives and it told the story of a girl who posted a suicide note on this website.
Problem was is that she was on a university network, the SysOp saw what was going on and the police were contacted.
I do not know what happened to her, but I am assuming she was involentry hospitialised.