Cant find a reason to live

  October 27th, 2011 by irudesan

Isnt our existence the most illogical thing in the world?

I am tired of living, everyday is the same thing, one day after another. I dont know if it would be different if i could actually get in a relationship with someone i could really care of. Sometimes im afraid it wont change, even if i could get someone to be with. Its just that life its so tasteless for me. I dont really think i am depressed or something, its just that i dont want to live anymore, i think its way too boring. I mean, im 26 years old and had done the same things in the last, i dont know, 8 years, waking up, going to college/work, returning home, studying, sleeping, wasting time, waking up again, and again and again

I had never had a significant relationship, at least a real significant relationship with anyone. But as i said, i think life in the whole its not worthy of living. I dont like to do stupid things, or illogical things to waste time, and i think life is the most senseless and illogical thing ever created, so i dont have any motivation to live it. I mean, if there was like some real reason to live, i could say like, “Oh, so thats what its all about”. But no, there is no real reason… everyone choose their own reason, and everyone is right in that sense, some people believe in god or in fate, or invisible forces… good for them, they have it very easy you know, “Oh god created me, i have to live to return to heaven” or whatever, just like that, enough reason to live. But in my case, i just cant believe in those beings, for me its not an issue of believing or not believing, i am pretty sure there are no things like that. And on the other side, living is just pretty boring, i wish i could choose a real reason to live and be happy with it. I hope life wouldnt seem so stupid and senseless for me. I wish i could enjoy life like other people, but i just cant.

I am not like “suicidal” i guess, but its just that i dont want to continue living… dont know if there is a difference somehow… i am not sad, im not crying, i have lost some people in the past, but really had gotten over it… its just that i feel, utterly tired of this whole senseless world, where you are born just to wake up every morning and do the same shit until you are like 80 years old and die of a stroke… Dont know if there are other people like me that feel tired of living just because they are bored of the same shit.

And really i just wish to sleep and never wake up again. I havent done it because i have family, i mean my brothers and father, my mom passed away 13 years ago… so i dont want to hurt them suiciding myself, but if it were for me i would have done it a lot earlier. I have even thought of paying someone to do it for me so that they dont know it was my choice but im not sure of that either…

Just wondering… why are all people enjoying their lifes? Dont they notice there is no real reason to live? How do i fool myself into “finding” a reason to live?

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