Isnt our existence the most illogical thing in the world?
I am tired of living, everyday is the same thing, one day after another. I dont know if it would be different if i could actually get in a relationship with someone i could really care of. Sometimes im afraid it wont change, even if i could get someone to be with. Its just that life its so tasteless for me. I dont really think i am depressed or something, its just that i dont want to live anymore, i think its way too boring. I mean, im 26 years old and had done the same things in the last, i dont know, 8 years, waking up, going to college/work, returning home, studying, sleeping, wasting time, waking up again, and again and again
I had never had a significant relationship, at least a real significant relationship with anyone. But as i said, i think life in the whole its not worthy of living. I dont like to do stupid things, or illogical things to waste time, and i think life is the most senseless and illogical thing ever created, so i dont have any motivation to live it. I mean, if there was like some real reason to live, i could say like, “Oh, so thats what its all about”. But no, there is no real reason… everyone choose their own reason, and everyone is right in that sense, some people believe in god or in fate, or invisible forces… good for them, they have it very easy you know, “Oh god created me, i have to live to return to heaven” or whatever, just like that, enough reason to live. But in my case, i just cant believe in those beings, for me its not an issue of believing or not believing, i am pretty sure there are no things like that. And on the other side, living is just pretty boring, i wish i could choose a real reason to live and be happy with it. I hope life wouldnt seem so stupid and senseless for me. I wish i could enjoy life like other people, but i just cant.
I am not like “suicidal” i guess, but its just that i dont want to continue living… dont know if there is a difference somehow… i am not sad, im not crying, i have lost some people in the past, but really had gotten over it… its just that i feel, utterly tired of this whole senseless world, where you are born just to wake up every morning and do the same shit until you are like 80 years old and die of a stroke… Dont know if there are other people like me that feel tired of living just because they are bored of the same shit.
And really i just wish to sleep and never wake up again. I havent done it because i have family, i mean my brothers and father, my mom passed away 13 years ago… so i dont want to hurt them suiciding myself, but if it were for me i would have done it a lot earlier. I have even thought of paying someone to do it for me so that they dont know it was my choice but im not sure of that either…
Just wondering… why are all people enjoying their lifes? Dont they notice there is no real reason to live? How do i fool myself into “finding” a reason to live?
6 comments
Seems we have a similar problem..
I know I’m a lot younger then you but, i know how you feel. I hate my family. I know it would hurt them if i left them for good , but i just want to go hide under a rock with a lifetime supplies of sleeping pills. Iv been Riding horses for 10 years. and If it wasn’t for my mom and trainer , i wouldn’t be riding anymore. Its not that i don’t love it its just i don’t have the energy anymore. I still go and ride 4 times a week . MY friends and Horses give me a reason to live. I think about how bad it would be for my friends to have to live with out me ( not tying to sound like im all that or anything ) I know you may not listen or read this but , I hate the feeling. i want you to try something new, take a day off work , go rock climbing . i don’t know that sounds stupid. But hey , I tried.
I’m not really sure how anyone finds their reasons to live. Some just wade through life, looking, never really finding anything and that’s all that make up their lives. It’s like that quote “it’s not the destination but the journey?” I don’t know if you’ll ever find a particular reason, or if there even is one. I agree that life seems so senseless, and really looks as if there’s no point in it. But it doesn’t stop me from trying to figure out why I am alive, although I do find a lot of reasons to die or circumstances that push me to it. Anyway, I guess it’s just curiosity on my part. The most I could find is that the reason I’m living right now is because I’m looking for a reason. Just out of curiosity, I think life IS illogical, so do you really need a reason then, either to live or to die? Can it not be just because you felt like doing it?
My first instinct is to tell about all the awesome things there are to experience. Foods to taste, countries to visit, people who are different than where you live and who fall in love with person you are inside. If you don’t want to live, may I suggest before you die pick a place and go there to experience something new. If life still seems boring well “accidents” happen. Its tough when we want to end our lives, but don’t wanna hurt our families. I feel it would be easier for them if they think my death was an unforseen thing. I know they would be racked with guilt and despair otherwise.
An unaccomplished act can never be logical. Life is the construction of a complex algorithm of events and outcomes. As long as the algorithm isn’t completed it can’t make any sense per se. Just as you can’t fully understand only bits and pieces of sentences. If I say for example: “He just”; there is no way you can understand a distinct purposeful message out of this. You understand I am referring to a third person and you expect a certain type of action to follow the word “just”.
However, you won’t have a clue why I said that or how it is pertinent. There is no ultimate goal to living other than to complete the algorithm. That is a very personal opinion of mine and I fully understand that it might not be shared by many. I respect other opinions and am only stating mine.
To me, this makes sense in a way that the only reason you actually have to live is yourself. You live to seek pleasure and accomplishment. For you. When you can’t find the will to do that anymore, to find the will to make your stay as pleasant as can be, well you need to seek help.
Thank you all for your comments, they were very helpful, offered other perspectives on the subject.
Lilou, your point of view on life is very interesting, to say the least. Thanks for the thought provoking material.
Guess i just have to focus more on the process of living instead of the reason behind it, after all, why look for a logical answer to an illogical problem…?
Thats what i concluded after reading your comments.