Dont have all the answer’s anymore…

October 25th, 2011by justr0b

I’ve been through lots of ups and downs in my lifetime, guess I’m here because I don’t know who to talk to or where to go but here’s my story…. I married my wife right after i got out of the hospital I was in a coma for about a week and after only knowing me for about 4 months she stuck with me while I was in the hospital even more than my parents. I fell in love even more after that. I really couldn’t see myself spending my life with anybody else then her. Let’s just say she was once one of those girls that love going out to night clubs, bars, etc. She was wanting to turn her life around when I met her specially for her son whom she wanted to spend more time with. Well we got married and I took her son in like he was my own and we also had a beautiful baby boy together last Christmas. During all that time together, there were times where I could of walked away because of her behavior but i chose to keep my mouth shut and look past the situation because I loved her so much. I’m not gonna say I was perfect I mean I’d lie about the stupidest things at times but I’d never do anything to the extent that she did. I worked hard for our family I picked up a second job to help with bills specially when she was on maternity leave, didin’t qualify for the govt programs, and also because we didin’t have health insurance. I didin’t care if i wasn’t able to get any sleep all I cared about was my new family something I never had. Every now and then my wife would tell me I wasn’t making enough or she married a loser even going as far as telling me she was just drunk when she met me. I mean I didin’t have a glamorous job either I was a security guard during the day and a bouncer at night I didin’t make millions but i tried my best. It would hurt so bad when she would say those things, I tried telling her once about how i felt about it but it got turned around to where I was just acting like a baby. So again i kept my mouth shut because I loved her so much. She would always try to get me to go out I would every now and then when my friends were in town visiting but in all honesty I would rather be at home with my wife and kids. When she got back to work i dropped my second job and i only worked during the day and she worked nights she would go out after work, at first it was fine I didin’t care for it but when she started coming home drunk at 4-5 in the morning  it was a problem we talked about it but she kept doing it again and again until finally I just left… I dont know if it was the right thing to do at the time but I was so angry and hurt I didin’t know what else to do. Now I’m left with nothing.. I cant even see my son I’m not allowed to I dont know why when I never laid a hand on him or my wife, I dont even have the clothes on my back. That was a few months ago, see I never really was good at anything I mean I felt like through most of my life I was always coming in last I was searching  for some kind of meaning to my life and I found it when my son was born. He’s basically the only thing good to come out of me and he’s gone now, I think a lot about the stuff I’ve missed in his life and the things I’m gonna miss if all this drama continues and it breaks my heart I just wanted to give him a family and a father I never had so bad. I struggle to make any sense of my life now, I mean I just dont have any of the answers anymore and the thought of just ending it all just seems like the right thing to do when all I’ve done in this lifetime is just FAIL..

Thanks to whomever took the time to read it means a lot and again I’m not gonna sit her and say I was perfect, but it’s my story

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