Feeling hopeless.

I have mixed feelings about suicide. Part of me is so ready to be done with this life. And then there is a part of me that wonders if things will get better if I just give it more time. I have attempted suicide in the past – my first attempt was almost five years ago. I had two more attempts after that. But I was always found and treated. I spent the next few years in mental hospitals and treatment programs, trying to find a way to get better from the crippling depression that consumed me.

And here I am – five years after that first attempt – alive but not really living. I have lost everything. I lost my job and cannot find a new one. I lost my apartment and have to live with my parents who have always viewed me as a burden. I may lose my car because I cannot afford it. I am overwhelmed with debt and have absolutely no way to get out from under it. Five years ago, for all intents and purposes, was the beginning of this long, slow descent. I cannot help but think how much better it would have been to just die the very first time I attempted suicide, rather than drawing my misery out like a terminal illness that will result in a slow and painful end.