I have been having more intense fantasies about ending my life.
What I see scares me; loss of relationships, estrangement from family (and it is a destructive family). I feel more alone than ever, and angry at people who i feel have let me down–full of self- pity.
Moreover, I’ve had an ongoing physical illness that requires surgery and a long recovery. I am in a lot of constant, physical pain. Without family or friends, how dow I expect to go through it and recover? I won’t be able to walk or leave the house. I already get depressed within 45 minutes of those conditions. I am in treatment, yes. But getting older and without family.
I do think of suicide as an eventuality, unfortunately. I feel unmoored in a violent ocean. No traction. I get up, I strive, keep moving. But it is hard and I am isolated.
I don’t know if I think suicide is wrong. I think that when people are in enough pain, no one should take a moral highground- especially those who judge and then leave you alone in pain. WHat is sad is that it doesn’t take much for someone to feel loved or cared about. A little gesture can make a huge difference. I feel like I make a real effort when I see someone in pain- why don’t others?
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I think that those who understand pain and suffering, can and do make an effort. But others who can’t, don’t. They take for granted that for some, simple gestures are enough to brighten a person’s life, be it a simple greeting, or a helping hand. I think it’s partly because we get so materialistic, we forget the values that we should have, or so used to fending for ourselves that we think others shouldn’t have to depend on anyone else for comfort.
You can provide yourself only little comfort. Harlow’s rhesus monkey experiements show that social isolation can be detrimental to one’s health. One monkey even died from emotional anorexia in that study. I hope you find someone to hold your hand through all of this, no matter what the outcome be.
Unfortunately, having a heart came as an option and most didn’t pay for it.
I am really, really grateful for my neighbors- seeing them helps. I live in a courtyard building and the older ladies don’t miss a thing. One neighbor even got groceries for me when I couldn’t walk.
I think it is important to fight against self-pity, but sometimes loneliness can really destroy a person.
Thank you for responding.
Yes, we do need each other for comfort! It is so simple, and so basic. We are social beings.
THe monkey documentary footage was heartbreaking.