Hello monitor and that who’s in it. At start, i don’t wanna be heard, i just wanna be said. Maybe would be easier.
All my life i was a very happy person. I had lots of crashes, deaths, family problems, alcoholic father, cancer mother, suicided feyonce and so on. Lots of shits. But i never felt disappointed by life. Each crash helped me to love life more and more. The best thing is that i Always felt how right life should be – doing everything you like, enjoying people and time, reaching some purposes and so on and so on. I was doing it all my life. And i was hurted, but so happy.
I donno why, but three months i can‘t get out of a big hole. I lost everything – i lost happiness. For person who had it all the time – it‘s so hard! I always has been optimistic. People used to thank me million times.
I work in ambulance. I save people. I safe suiciders. I cure diseases. I am taking back them from another world. But i lost even my kindess and natural love for them. I don’t feel emphaty. I used to love people.
Well, nobody helps paramedics, but they help everyone. That’s the rule.
Job was everything for me. Now, i can’t even think about it.
I fight with my family, i don’t wanna see my friends, i don’t wanna laugh. And i used to smile all the time!
My boyfriend is in distance, but he tries to help me all the ways! When i am really upset, this is every day, i pretend for him, that i miss him. That is not that feeling i feel.
It’s like a tone stone inside me.
Tht activity, optimistic, funny, happy, joyfull, smilling, smart person died inside me.
I realised that im not happy like 3 months before a few days. Yes, sometimes i feel jealous for my boyfriend, who suicide, coz he got balls to do that, but i guess, the first thing why im not gonna do it is that i want to help myself to get out of this hole. I want to be happy again. But this black thing is too long in my head.
I guess i work too much. But i can’t quit it. It’s my life. I can’t live my life, so i will live for people.
This is my first step to help myself. To talk about it. With a box of monitor.
7 comments
I only want to live if I can kill.
I am better off dead.
When you reach the stage I have reached there is no point in staying around any longer.
It’s the truth, I probably would love to kill you.
did You ever kill somebody if u say i only want to live if i can kill?
or u just dream bout that feeling..
Hey! My ex was a medic. It’s rough. Takes it out of you. And, to some extent… absorbs you. You see the worst in people, every day. He was just like you. smiling optimistic, happy… and eventually… suicidal.
Congrats on taking the first step and talking about it. Maybe you need a little break from work?
yeah, i guess the worst part is that i am working 24 h shifts. And its not like we are having some resting time.. All 24 hours call after call.. It happens that we sleep 3-4 h, but usualy 1-2.. So i think my nervous system is exhausted so i came here/.
I have another education also so i am thinking to change a job and start working like a normal person and have some sleep, but its very hard to leave it. Its like addiction..
I know it’s like an addiction. because what you do really is life and death. But you can’t help anyone if you’re in a bad place. My ex was destroyed. In the deepest darkest place. Gave up everything. Sponged off me. sucked me dry emotionally. I hope you take some time off before it gets that bad. You can always come back after a break. R U EMT?
EMT :]
So was my ex. What you guys is awesome, seriously. But it’s not for everyone… medical proffession is weird that way.. on one level, it forces you to shut off your emotions. My mum is a nurse. I know she loves me and I love her, but honestly one of the reasons I am fucked up is because she was so emotionally detached from me. It’s your choice, whether thats the sort of person you want to be, or not. Either way, I hope you are talk through stuff with other medics and EMTs, that’s really important, to download and don’t keep everything inside.
Also, you don’t have to make a finite choice now – can take a break, see how you feel, and come back to it if you feel like it.