I want to go.
Everyone here knows why. If you are reding this you genreally understand what it feels like to be suicidal. To want to leave, go to sleep and never wake up, depart this life. I want out.
I knew a girl who killed herself in college. I don’t blame her one bit, but what really struck me was that despite how small, quiet, invisible and inconsequential she was in life, her death had the most enormous effect. There wasn’t one person unaffected by her act, no matter how remotely they were connected to her. She is not remembered for the person she was, she will always be “The girl who killed herself”. Her family will never be the same, they couldn’t carry on as normal.
This is what stops me. I know that it would destroy my family. Even though I haven’t spoken to any of them in a long time. Even though I can’t find the strength to pick up the phone to them, and they have forgotten about me, I know they would suffer such a shock. Not just family. My co-workers, acquaintances, etc. I try to imagine what it be like if one of them died this way. A dramatic circus of morbidity.
Sometimes I wish no one knew me, that I was really completely alone and unknown, so no one would notice if I just slipped away. Unnoticed, that’s how I am in life and that’s how I want to be in death.
5 comments
If not hurting them is truly the only reason that keeps you going it eventually won’t be enough. You will progressively feel more miserable and trapped between your sense of little self-worth and your “duty” to them. As of now you have two options, either plan to disappear from the radar of all those who know you or find a better meaning to your life than just living for other’s sake. Either way is hard and I am sorry that you feel this way. If the kindness and friendship of faceless ghosts can ever be of some comfort to you feel free to ask for it without reservation. Peace and good luck.
Anna, I feel your pain. I feel exactly the same way.
I once prayed that i wouldn’t wake up in the morning. But i did. No one knew how i felt. Seems like no one cared about me. No one called to ask how I was doing! The only time they call me is whenever they are in need of me to do something for them. I hated it. I’m gonna tell you this. You’re not the only person in the world feeling like this. I found hope to keep going with life and I realized that there are a lot more i want to experience before i die or before this world end. I know how you feel when you asked yourself what would what happen to your family, friends or acquaintances if you were gone or even never existed. I asked myself the same question a long time ago, and two days ago I asked myself the same question. The answer to that question is that their life would never be the same. Your existence have a different color into their life. I know if I was to take my own life their world would have been different. My parents would’ve been divorced. My lil brother would’ve die, and my sister would’ve been devastated. My friends and co-worker would’ve lost a joker and good listener. I have find my hope. My hope is in a solid ground. I have found an unconditional love to move forward with life everyday. Anna you need to find yours. Make sure its solid and unconditional, because if its not you’ll just crumble down and all of this will eventually kill you.
Hit me up if you need someone to share. This is one of the purpose in life is to help people like you and me to move forward and keep on living, keep on enjoying life and this earth that we live in.
-fo
I think alot of people hang on to life because of the effect it will have on others. Thats why it’s against the law, it surely couldn’t be about a person wanting to die. It’s about the ones that we leave behind.
I know what gun oil tastes like (from year ago I wont use a gun now) I have overdosed, tried all sorts of things, even tried hypothermia (went outside covered with water in 19 degree weather) lol, it was way to cold went right back inside. Tried to kill myself in Death Valley by dehydration, it was too hot and I got back in my car with the A/C, lol.
There comes a point when I have to be honest with myself about sucidal thoughts, it’s been over 40 years living with this and it’s time to end my life.
Now I read your post and once again the thoughts of the others my suicide will effect.
I know of a few people that did it, they were members of a 12 step program, the loss was deep to the rest of us, yet understood at a strange level. There was acceptence and we all think of them from time to time, yet we weren’t family members which will carry it to there graves.
I think that when you get to that point and you pull away because of its effect on others, you’ll only feel worse – trapped by expectations and restrictions thoughts of the effects of your actions put on you. You have to find a better reason to live, and that will be even harder. Sometimes I felt like you do and sometimes I found better reasons to die or not to die (which aren’t better really, just different). It’s difficult, but I hope that whatever you get from here would help you out.