I could see the river.

  October 28th, 2011 by wereone

The door to my balcony is only five feet away. I’m on the 19th floor. I’ve tried killing myself four times. Why can’t I jump? Just thinking about going over the rail makes me cringe, yet it wouldn’t be a bad death. I’d have a beautiful view going down, it’d be quick and certain and quiet. I sat out there for two hours yesterday, wearing only a t shirt and shorts in 6 degree weather. I tried to psych myself into jumping, hoping that the cold would numb my fear.  Eventually I gave up when I heard my next door neighbour come into the cold for a smoke.  It doesn’t matter. I doubt I would have jumped. I wish I weren’t so scared.

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