I don’t know, I need help

I came directly from http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
I went online and sought for help, because I found myself sitting with a dagger and poking myself with it, and suddenly I just burst into tears, crying. I thrusted the knife at my chest, I am actually not sure what happened, but I stopped myself before it was too late somehow, then I decided I needed help from someone.

I’m am not sure how to go about my story, but I guess it goes back quite some time, I think, I’m not sure, I’ve been depressed over the last year, it has been getting worse and worse, really I think it goes back even further.

When I was 17, I am 20 now, I first started having troubles in school, I started finding life pointless and grey, sad and dark. And then I met girl, I guess she made me happy. Inside myself I always had the dream of meeting my first love and stay with her for the rest of my life… a stupid dream. We were together for a almost a year, until she dumped me. The relationship wasn’t good but I wanted my dream, so I did everything for it to work out.

I was devastated for a while, but it passed, she means nothing to me now, she is just the woman who robbed me of my dream. But I returned to my depressed state. My school work was falling apart.

While I was still seeing this girl, my school work got so bad; I was nearly thrown out, which resulted in my parents and brother taking action… This is the one time they’ve shown any will to be part of my life.

I begged my mother to send me to a shrink, I don’t know why but she refused and send me toa  coach instead, it helped and I caught up my work, but I still felt rotten.

My brothers each told me what I should do, at the same time. They had different ideas, which resulted in the getting in a fight which kept them to hate each other for a month, denying that they were brothers, because of me. My father was indifferent.

So the one time I’ve tried to get help from my family, I almost tore my family apart and my mother got embarrassed of me, she did however admit that I’ve been raised wrong, not that she wants to do anything about that, ever.

I am jumping ahead in time, my school work again fell behind, I had gotten over my first “love” and other than school, I was able to get on with my life, and I think I even enjoyed it. If my life had continued I might have lived on as an under achiever who would be “unknowingly happy.”

But, one day, I and a friend, a girl, kissed. I liked it. We got together again, and we became a couple. While, she in fact made me truly happy, and I had other friends I talked a lot with. My other girl hated my friends so they were kind of cut away a lot. But invert ably she dumped me, with the words “I’ve stopped loving you” Pain, so very much pain, anger hate and depression. I comforted her, made her feel it was okay, told her I understood, and that I’d do anything to make her love me again.

She should have just made it end there, Saying “No don’t try, I’ve ended this we wont ever be together again” but she didn’t.

I think I won her back 2 times and got dumped each time again. Then I told her “you have to not give me a chance, don’t let me in anyway think there is a chance” she agreed.

Only shortly after I invited her to a party, she came. We had drinks, and suddenly, she kissed me, I made no notion to kiss her. Then she told me she loved me, it was a wonderful evening. And at my place we made love.

the next morning, she kissed me, said she loved me and we made love again, this time she was sober. Later that day she dumped me over a text, I hated her for a year, wrote hateful things to her and such. She always said, that we could be friends again when I was ready.

I was in misery, while I had passed my examens, and found something new to do, I felt horrible, I couldn’t tell my parents and I couldn’t tell my friends, because I’m insecure and scared to look weak, I guess. But at a party I got to, I met a girl, and I started dating her, shortly after she cheated on me, I stayed with her, because I’m desperate for love I guess. She then dumped me, I got dumped by a cheater, I have very little self respect left after that, and whatever I had left, died when I later tried to get back together with her.

Since then I find myself thinking “I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me, I am fat, I am ugly I am stupid, pretty much all bad adjectives” and I have I have thought about suicide.

I carry no grudge towards the girl I had hated anymore, and while I feel she is something special to me, I carry no intentions of ever getting together with her again. She has a new boy friend, I don’t mind, What annoys me about that, is that I don’t have a girl, but I can’t have one, I don’t trust my feelings because I am so desperate for love, I talked with her. And as a result she realized she couldn’t have mea  as a friend, she didn’t trust I just wanted to be friends, and her boyfriend got jealous she talked with an Ex.

So she told me “I lied, I am not ready to be friends, but you can talk to me via Facebook” so I don’t dare trust anyone anymore.

Some of my friends have said “if you ever need to talk I’m there for you” but whenever I call they are not there, only one of them, but he does not help much, he does help, but he has nothing to give, no advice no love so strength, only thing he can do is listen and complaint about his own life.

That’s how I got to here. I feel like dying, I’m not sure I could go through with it, but I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I still do.

I don’t know what I except posting this. I am a very depressed 20 year old guy who is thinking of committing suicide, and that was part of my story.

I do know one thing, if I do kill myself I will hate myself, because I know a lot of people would be sad, so my greatest wish is that it is taken out of my hands, that someone would just kill me, then it wouldn’t be my fault… but maybe that is just my stupidity talking, maybe I –would- beg for my life… I don’t know…

Help!