I don’t want help

I’m afraid to get help because then they’ll take my power to kill myself away from me. I want this choice. I relish it. I’m not killing myself because ‘I want to die’ but because its a punishment I feel I deserve for not living up to my own expectations. When I break the expectations that I hold for myself, I no longer want to live and seeing a PsyD or PsychD will only change my mind as to what I will do when my expectations aren’t met. Look up “suicide” on Google. Every result is about prevention. These websites have taught me what I need to do to mask my suicidal thoughts so that one day, when I want to do it after I’ve failed myself, I can drive out to the woods with my gun and shoot myself in the head. Far enough away that I won’t be found and I’ll bleed out. and then I’ll be dead. If I can’t live up to what I expect of myself why live.