I just can’t connect

I think I may have shifted my seat to the passenger while I let my best friends suicide take the driver seat off a cliff that dragging us both down now. Go dhow I wish I could have spoken to him better before ghe went. I’ve tried to kill myself a few times since then, but they weren’t actual attempts. just drunken cries for help, spoke to know one who would listen. I was a drunk man alone and desperate looking for answers that weren’t there. I want to just fin ish this fake race right now.. but friends and family hold me back. If I was dissacoiated with them I think I might be able to feel bvetter and not have this urge to follow my friends footsteps, yet they are the only thing holding me back right now. it always seems the grass is greener on the other side… I used to think my friends house was the shit and used to think his gaurdians were cool. Little did I know what the fuck was going on. little could I ever fucking help. I just want to go back in time to try and save his life and give mine up. I wish I could focus my hope and willl on his salvation to try and find some solace within this realm of pain. I just wish I could go back and tell him I loved him. he was my brother and best friend. I wish I could go back and change the things I said. I wish I wasn’t the last one to talk to him. I wish he could tyalk for decades to come. goddamn I miss you man. I can’t ever forgive myself for not being there enough how you needed it bro. you always just seemed so tough I thought you were more stable than I was… I’m sorry i couldn’t see between the lines and that hindsight is 20/fucken 20. I wish my car was faster when I chased you down before you killed yourself. I wish I hadn’t of hit my brakes even once. I wish you crashed into a tree and I rescued you safely. I dream of things like this all the time. I can’t help but feel selfish for wishing you were alive. but it’s so hard to believe in something afterthis… it’s so hard to imagine a a god watching idley by. I can’t have it. I hope your energy was pure and gold. I hope it spread faster than word. I hope…. I wish…. I wish I were dead too… just to know if you were okay…or if i could find out