I survived, aint doing that again for a long while…

So… for those of you who know me months ago, I’m back. I didn’t log on to talk or help anyone, since I couldn’t. I tried killing myself months ago after I couldn’t take things anymore in my life. I tried the method that I talked about and mentioned, but things didn’t go as well as I thought.  I ended up having to take months off to recover from my failed attempt. It was hell.

I wrote something really log midway here, but decided to make it shorter. 950 words was too much. lol. Those who don’t know me, here are some reasons why I wanted to die:

1) had 4-6 gfs in my lifetime starting from 7-8th grade. All online, was too shy to ask anyone else and thought online.. they would love me not just for my looks or cause I can help them with hwk or something. All ended up cheating on me, despite saying “I’ll love you forever” and then also making marriage and children plans. One lasting 2.5 years and the latest is 1 or so years. My ex was the reason I tried killing myself. Was deciding factor when she told me I was a pest and was happier if I wasn’t around. I was devoted, honest, and cherished all my gf’s.. spent hours writing love poems. They all told me lies. Crushes I have in rl, I end up finding out they already have bfs. Girls who liked me in 4-5th, I didn’t accept… had a crush already. Girl who liked me as a neighbor, end up moving away that I was close to… and now that I think back, actually really liked.. lose contact without me being able to respond.

2) No friends in rl. Good old friends all end up moving/transferring and losing contact. No exceptions. Other friends distant and don’t hang out or even talk. The rest, lie and backstab. I have no friends here. Can’t make new ones. They treat me like I’m stinky trash they don’t want to get near.

3) Family don’t talk to me. We don’t even eat together or do anything together. I eat alone in my room. No one to talk to. Mom talks on phone in 1 day more than to me in 2-3weeks and hangs up on me when she’s out gambling even when I need her.

4) I studied to be a doctor since 4th grade in agreement for mom to stop smoking and be home more. Got pretty much all A’s, with 1-2 B’s. Got awards every single year since kindergarten.  Was in the tennis team for 2 years and 8 clubs, one club as vice president. Mom told me to be a businessman and give up on being a doctor awhile back, saying I won’t be able to be one. Dad says I don’t have the capacity. I’m in 1 club now, no sports team, don’t talk to club members since they don’t want to talk to me. All my efforts = nothing. Wasted my life.

There’s more if you want to know later or know what I said in more details. Those don’t cover 20% of my reasons.

My point in all this is, don’t try killing yourself. I’ve decided to live at least 10 more years without doing so.. and not at all if I can later. I want to die everyday, I’m in total depression, I lose my mind being always alone in my room and always online, but I will live. So, I believe everyone else here should too. If you feel alone like me, I’ll be glad to be friends with you and help you out. I won’t listen to complaints about having a bad boyfriend though… I’ll get jealous that he has a great girl who thinks of him yet doesn’t appreciate it. I live a life full of regrets. I can relate to a lot of things to help people out. I can’t relate to being raped or being gay though… since I’m straight and never got raped by a girl…. lolz… but I can listen to you if you need someone to listen. I have catching up to do with hwk.. since I missed a lot being in recovery… but I’m online everyday and start to check SP at least once a day. If you want to talk by email or something, then just give me your address or I can just talk here on SP with you. Or if you wanna play online games together, I’m up for it… I’m currently only playing League of Legends so far though. lol. Anyways.. that’s about it. Damn.. it still turned out to be long. x.x